Today's Birth Mother

Often misunderstood, a woman who makes an adoption plan for her baby is usually depicted heartless and cold. On the contrary, this birth mother is usually a thoughtful, caring woman who makes a difficult decision she believes to be in the best interests of her child. In this blog, I hope to cast new light on today's birth mother by discussing her reasons for choosing adoption.

Approximately 14,000 women choose adoption for their newborn infants in the United States each year (figure taken from Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Instititute, "Safeguarding the Rights and Well-Being of Birth Parents in the Adoption Process," Jan. 2007, p. 4). If asked to describe a "typical" birth mother, many people would picture a teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy with her high school sweetheart. While this may be true in some cases, it is now estimated that only 1/4 of all birth mothers are teens.

A birth mother is often a single woman in her 20s who is recently independent from her parents, or a single woman who already has children and does not believe she can parent another child. In most cases, her pregnancy is unplanned.

Why does a birth mother choose adoption? A birth mother typically chooses adoption because she believes it to be in the best interests of her child. In a recent adoption, I worked with a 43-year-old college graduate who mistook the signs of pregnancy to be signs of early menopause. She had already raised a child (now in his twenties) and was not prepared to parent again.

I have worked with a 20-year-old mother of two, married, who already had a child who was legally blind and required much assistance. She and her husband did not think they were equipped to provide this third child with all the love and attention he deserved and made an adoption plan.

In another adoption, an 18-year-old birth mother wanted to obtain a college education before starting a family.

I have worked with a financially strapped school bus driver who was raising two children on her own. And I have worked with a birth mother who made an adoption plan after her husband was imprisoned. She was already raising two children and didn't think she could handle raising a third.

While the circumstances of each adoption differs, in each case the birth mother made a thoughtful decision that adoption was the best option for her child.

In most cases, the birth mother's decision is difficult. There are tears shed and emotional goodbyes. Some birth mothers plan to stay connected with their children through photographs and letters. Some choose more involvement, while others choose less.

Most birth mothers experience a great feeling of loss after the adoption. However, many birth mothers find this diminishes over time when accompanied by a sense that the right decision has been made.

A birth mother facing an unplanned pregnancy has many decisions to make, including whether to parent her child or make an adoption plan. Her decision to make an adoption plan should not be frowned upon or viewed as heartless and cold. In actuality, this decision is often made with great difficulty, consideration and courage.

If you know someone considering adoption, birth parent counseling is the first step. Contact the birth parent hotline at Adoption House http://www.adoptionhouse.org/ and they will help: 1-877-921-1102.