The Birth Parent and Adoptive Parent Connection

This past weekend I met woman who adopted a little girl at 5 months of age. That little girl is now almost ten years old, and she has started asking her mother questions about her birth mother:

Why did she give me up? Did she love me? I don't understand.

The adoptive mother shared this with me, experiencing a sense of panic. She wanted my advice, given that I too was adopted. Although not everyone has the same opinions when it comes to this subject, or any subject for that matter, I will share my response with you.

But first, let me share some of my personal background with you. I was adopted at birth. It was a closed adoption, meaning that I never knew anything about my birth parents. I was raised in a loving home with two parents and two siblings, neither of whom were adopted. As an adult, I chose to seek out my birth parents. It was not to "replace" my adoptive parents. On one level it was to find out my medical history, on another it was to "fill in the blank" as to my background.

I signed up with a national computer registry -- The ALMA Society in New York -- and received a call from its director just two weeks later. Good news and bad. They had made a match. The bad news: my birth mother Brigitte was now deceased. The good news: my aunt (her sister) was looking for me. Since then, I have learned all about Brigitte from my aunt, who is one of my dearest friends on this earth. Through her, I also located my birth father Len. He too has become dear to my heart. Our relationship is not well-rounded, however, as he still remains too scared (and it has been 10 years since we have met) to tell his wife and three children about me. But I love him and accept the fact that whether he tells them about me is his life issue and really has nothing to do with me.

My adoptive mother is happy for me that I have made a connection with my birth family. My adoptive father is not. Let's just leave it at that.

That being said, I feel that my birth parents and adoptive parents are all of my parents. I am connected in some way to all of them. They have all had a hand in my creation, and I honor them all. I feel lucky to know that there are more people in this world who care about me. I was not looking to replace my adoptive parents, and wish that my father would not feel threatened by my birth father.

Going back to my discussion with the adoptive mother, who was feeling threatened, I explained to her my feeling that birth parents and adoptive parents are all on the same team. That being said, I am not advocating for a certain type of adoption -- open, semi-open or closed adoption. That is a personal decision. What I am saying is that birth and adoptive parents need not be opponents -- they are connected through the creation and raising of a child, and there is nothing more powerful than that.

Would you like to share your view or ask me a question about this? Please do.

:) M.J.