Today I’ve been emailing with some single women who are pregnant. Unfortunately, they seem to share similar concerns resulting from a lack support during their pregnancies. By support, I mean financial and emotional support from their boyfriend/partner, or more commonly ex-boyfriend/ex-partner, family and friends. For others reading this blog, and who are also facing these issues, please remember that what matters most is your health and the health of your baby. It is important that you reach within and be strong.

There are resources available. You do not have to go through this alone. If you are thinking about your options (some of the women were thinking about abortion), please remember that there is another option -- adoption.

If you are interested in learning about adoption, I would be happy to answer your questions. Or, you can call Adoption House to speak with a live pregnancy counselor. She can explain the process and you can decide if adoption is the best choice. Pregnancy counselors are available 24/7, the cost is free, and the conversation is 100% confidential. They can be reached at 877-921-1102.

Don’t forget, you can also email me.

Please keep your chin up and be proud!

Confused, Need Help?

Thinking about how someone feels when they are confused, disappointed in a situation, or afraid. Certainly, we have all been there. It is not the best feeling. In fact, it can be pretty difficult. At times like this, many people want to be alone. Often times, being alone is not the best answer.

The best answer: seek to empower your self. Lift yourself up, get educated and get help, if necessary. Reach out. As one yoga instructor told me, "Keep up and you will be kept up."

How does this relate to pregnancy and adoption? Many women facing unintended pregnancies struggle with their situation, the lack of support they are receiving from their family and friends, as well as with the decision of whether or not to parent. They have difficulty considering the adoption option, equating adoption with negative thoughts and feelings. What should she do? At first a birth mother may deny that she is pregnant to cope with her situation. Remember denial simply means delaying decisions. What should she do instead: Acknowledge her true situation and get educated!

Many women do elect the adoption option and feel right about the decision throughout their lives. Adoption should be considered carefully and without pressure. By taking control of her decision herself, a birth mother often feels empowered by it. If she chooses adoption, a birth mother can play an active role in the process of selecting a loving family for her child and, ultimately, feel proud of herself for making a positive choice.

Are you pregnant and looking for help? Talking with an adoption counselor about adoption may be helpful in considering all of your options. Adoption House offers free, confidential counseling, 24/7, at 1-877-921-1102.

Hope this helps.

M.J.

Time Line of Adoption in the United States

I thought it would be interesting to set forth the adoption history of the United States.

1851 The first adoption statute was passed in Massachusetts

1854-1929 "Orphan Trains" - Brought 150,000 children from urban areas in the East to rural areas of the Midwest and West. These children were literally put up on a platform at the stations so that the local folks could see which children they might want to adopt.

1930-1940 Great Depression, World War II, and start of the Baby Boom - Adoption becomes a more private matter, with private adoption agencies rising to the fore

• Adverse social circumstances became the main reason women considered adoption (as opposed to ill-health or poverty)
• Confidentiality was a chief factor for women considering adoption
• Removing the stigma of illegitimacy from adopted children
• Recognition of the permanency of the adoptive family
• Sealed original birth certificates

1951 34,000 adoptions

1971 90,000 adoptions

1975 Fewer than 48,000 adoptions

• Legalization of abortion
• Shift of societal attitudes about single parenting

1965-Present Critical need for permanent families for children

• Adoption had to adapt itself to new social forces
• Women's independence
• Challenges due to lack of adequate information and support to a single parent
• Need of the pregnant woman to make informed decisions about parenting

Present Fewer than 21,000 adoptions of domestic newborn infants by unrelated parents

What are your thoughts about this timeline of our adoption history within the United States?

This information was made available by the National Council for Adoption.

Meeting Adoptive Parents

Last night I co-hosted a training for potential adoptive parents. It was early in the process for the prospective parents. Many were considering adoption after struggling with issues of infertility. Attending such a training is actually a big deal for them. When crossing the bridge from infertility to adoption, they are accepting their infertility and inability to produce a genetic child.

At trainings like the one last night we discuss the adoption process. This process is quite a journey for adoptive parents. Let me explain.

Adoptive parents working with an adoption agency are required to satisfy a list of agency requirements demonstrating that they would be good parents, able to provide a stable home filled with love and opportunity. They must undergo a home study process, where a licensed social worker interviews them extensively about their backgrounds, their lifestyle and reasons for adopting. The adoptive parents have to undergo criminal background checks and fingerprinting. They must submit financial documentation showing they are financially stable and references from work colleagues and personal contacts to speak of their character. They must, at least at Adoption House International, undergo a minimum of 10 hours of adoptive parent training to educate them about the issues faced by children who were adopted. And after satisfying all of these requirements, the adoptive parents must wait, and wait some more, to be selected by a birth mother making an adoption plan.

Understanding the adoption process, from the perspective of the adoptive parent, is important. It should give the birth mother some relief to know that adoptive parents at a reputable adoption agency are carefully screened. In addition, it demonstrates the great lengths to which an adoptive parent will go in effort to become a parent. If such care and effort is given to become a parent, one can only imagine the amount of care that will be provided to their child in the future.

Do you have any questions about working with adoptive parents? If so, please email me. In the alternative, you may call an Adoption House International counselor directly (at no charge) 24/7 at 1-877-921-1102.

All the best,

M.J.

A Friend to Hold Your Hand

In yesterday's blog, I set forth reasons why working with an adoption agency is a good choice for pregnant women considering adoption. Services provided by a good adoption agency typically include:

• 24-hour Telephone Service -- an experienced counselor should be available to talk with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, about your pregnancy and the adoption option.
• Financial Assistance -- expenses, as allowed by state guidelines, can be provided to assist you during the time of your pregnancy.
• Medical Expense Assistance -- eligibility for medical insurance or public assistance may be assessed and in many cases obtained. You will not be responsible for any medical expenses.
• A Personalized Adoption Plan -- an agency will help you create a personalized adoption plan centering around your needs and wishes.
• Choice of Pre-Screened Adoptive Parents -- you can choose the adoptive parent(s) you want to adopt your baby. All adoptive parents have been pre-screened and have met high standards of a stable home.
• Post-adoption Support -- an agency provides counseling after the birth and adoption, if desired.

Working with a good agency offering these services is crucial. On the flip side, the birth mother who does not receive such services may have a very difficult, lonely adoption experience.

Personally, my birth mother did not work with an adoption agency when making my adoption plan. It was a private adoption at birth through lawyers. From what I understand, my birth mother hid her pregnancy for quite a while, and then was hidden at home by her old-world parents once she started showing. And then there is the dreaded truth that my birth mother was actually made to sit in the attic when company was over -- so the "family secret" would not be revealed. It makes me want to cry for her. And I do.

Had she worked with an adoption agency, who was sensitive to her needs and supportive of her situation, things could have been easier for her (during a dark time). Working with an agency could have empowered her to demand the respect she deserved.

If you would like to speak with a pregnancy counselor about adoption Adoption House International provides all the services listed above. Just call 1-877-921-1102 -- it's free, confidential and available 24/7.

Best to you!

Working with an Adoption Agency

Working with an adoption agency can be very rewarding for a woman considering adoption. Why? The short answer: an adoption agency will hold your hand through the entire adoption process. Now, let me explain in greater detail why this is important.

In many instances, a woman considering adoption has many issue to address. She wants to understand adoption -- the permanency of adoption and the different types of adoption (open, semi-open or closed). She may need help obtaining medical insurance. She may need expense assistance. She may simply want someone to talk with and support her -- in a non-judgmental, non-directive way. She may want help in locating a loving family looking to adopt. A good adoption agency can provide all of this.

A good adoption agency shall provide information to a pregnant woman so that she is better equipped to determine what is in her best interest, and the best interest of the baby. The agency will step in and help a pregnant woman through a difficult time, especially when she lacks the support of family and friends.

For these reasons, and more, agency arranged adoption is a great choice. If you would like to speak with a pregnancy counselor, Adoption House International has counselors available, at no cost, 24/7, at 877-921-1102.

Please feel free to email me any questions you may have.

:) M.J.

The Adopted Child's Knowledge of Birth Parents

Yesterday, I shared my personal background with you all. I talked about the fact that I was adopted at birth, and did not have any information about my birth parents. I sought to locate my birth parents as an adult in order to find out my medical background, and also to satisfy a greater need to know where I came from and the circumstances of my adoption. My birth mother Brigitte was no longer alive, but my birth father is here and remains somewhat present in my life. He pops in and out every few months to check in. In yesterday's blog I discussed my belief that adoptive parents and birth parents are connected through their child and should not fear one another. At least in my case, I feel lucky to have more people in this world who love me.

Those interested in adoption often ask me what kind of adoption works best -- open, semi-open or closed adoption. This is a difficult question to answer, as I think it is very personal. What works best for one person may not be best for another. From my experience, I think no knowledge is difficult for a child who was adopted. I recall looking in the mirror as a kid and wondering ... where do I come from? Then again, I'm not sure how I would have processed information about my birth parents when I was a child. For example, knowledge of my birth mother's death would have been devastating to me. That being said, I am glad to have found out my background once I was grown up, with a solid foundation under my feet. In response to the initial question of what kind of adoption works best, I would have to say that semi-open adoption would have worked better for me than closed adoption.

I hope my experience is helpful to anyone considering adoption. Please feel free to contact me with your questions. Or, you may call one of the pregnancy counselors at Adoption House International -- it's free, they are available 24/7, and all calls are confidential. Please call 1-877-921-1102.

The Birth Parent and Adoptive Parent Connection

This past weekend I met woman who adopted a little girl at 5 months of age. That little girl is now almost ten years old, and she has started asking her mother questions about her birth mother:

Why did she give me up? Did she love me? I don't understand.

The adoptive mother shared this with me, experiencing a sense of panic. She wanted my advice, given that I too was adopted. Although not everyone has the same opinions when it comes to this subject, or any subject for that matter, I will share my response with you.

But first, let me share some of my personal background with you. I was adopted at birth. It was a closed adoption, meaning that I never knew anything about my birth parents. I was raised in a loving home with two parents and two siblings, neither of whom were adopted. As an adult, I chose to seek out my birth parents. It was not to "replace" my adoptive parents. On one level it was to find out my medical history, on another it was to "fill in the blank" as to my background.

I signed up with a national computer registry -- The ALMA Society in New York -- and received a call from its director just two weeks later. Good news and bad. They had made a match. The bad news: my birth mother Brigitte was now deceased. The good news: my aunt (her sister) was looking for me. Since then, I have learned all about Brigitte from my aunt, who is one of my dearest friends on this earth. Through her, I also located my birth father Len. He too has become dear to my heart. Our relationship is not well-rounded, however, as he still remains too scared (and it has been 10 years since we have met) to tell his wife and three children about me. But I love him and accept the fact that whether he tells them about me is his life issue and really has nothing to do with me.

My adoptive mother is happy for me that I have made a connection with my birth family. My adoptive father is not. Let's just leave it at that.

That being said, I feel that my birth parents and adoptive parents are all of my parents. I am connected in some way to all of them. They have all had a hand in my creation, and I honor them all. I feel lucky to know that there are more people in this world who care about me. I was not looking to replace my adoptive parents, and wish that my father would not feel threatened by my birth father.

Going back to my discussion with the adoptive mother, who was feeling threatened, I explained to her my feeling that birth parents and adoptive parents are all on the same team. That being said, I am not advocating for a certain type of adoption -- open, semi-open or closed adoption. That is a personal decision. What I am saying is that birth and adoptive parents need not be opponents -- they are connected through the creation and raising of a child, and there is nothing more powerful than that.

Would you like to share your view or ask me a question about this? Please do.

:) M.J.

Birth Parent Concerns and Fears About Adoption

A new report by Charles T. Kenny, entitled "Birthmother, Goodmother" sought to find out birth mothers' negative attitudes and fears regarding adoption, as well as how birth mothers resolved these feelings and beliefs, ultimately enabling them to choose adoption.

What are the Concerns?

Birth mothers expressed a concern about how their children will feel about having been placed for adopted. They asked themselves:

• Will their children view their decisions as rejection?
• Will they feel they were abandoned and unloved by their mother?
• Will they in turn reject and disrepect their birth mothers?

Birth mothers expressed concerns about the adoptive parents. For example, they were concerned as to whether the adoptive parents would be loving providers for their children.

Birth mothers expressed fears of loss. They feared losing the opportunity to be mothers, and a sadness at missing out on important milestones in their children's lives (such as a child's walking for the first time, first day of school, and graduation).

Birth mothers expressed fears of what family members, peers and the community would think about their choosing adoption.

Birth mothers struggled with a fear of being financially incapable of affording housing, clothing, food and childcare if they choose to parent.

Birth mothers expressed fears regarding their ability to emotionally nurture their children -- they worried that they were not emotionally stable enough to care for their babies.

Birth mothers feared that single parenting would change their identities and futures -- such as the fear of not being able to accomplish educational and career goals (and putting dreams and plans aside for a low-wage job).

A Positive Resolution

Significantly, the report also addressed birth mothers' resolved feelings and beliefs about adoption enabling them to choose adoption. The report indicated that after working through their fears and concerns, birth mothers choose adoption because they believe that it is in the best interests of their children. They realize, according to the report, that adoption is not abandonment. Rather, they see it is a loving and responsible act. And, thus, it stated that birth mothers believe that in choosing what is best for their children, they are good mothers.

The report indicated that when birth mothers realize that they can influence the selection of the adoptive parents, they are much more comfortable with adoption. Getting to know the adoptive parents, through files or maybe in-person meetings (if so desired), has helped birthmothers to feel more confident about the adoptive parents ability to love their children.

Conclusion

Ultimately, "Goodmother, Birthmother" reported the following birth mother feelings and beliefs:

"[T]hey redeem themselves, transforming their mistakes into
positive outcomes. ... Adoption allows them to recover their
self esteem, restore their identity and renew their dreams and goals. Believing that the decision means that they
are good mothers. birthmothers are able to feel right about the decision and have confidence in it, even when pain or regret arise. The support of family and friends in the decision adds to the birthmothers' resolve about choosing adoption."

What are your thoughts on this report? Please feel free to email me.

Thoughts from the Maternity Wing

In my last blog, I mentioned how there are people who want to help. People working in the adoption field do their work because they want to make the difference in the lives of others -- including a pregnant women who needs help, a child starting his/her life journey and others who want to parent. Adoption specialists are here for all of these parties to the adoption "triad."

In addition, there are others who become involved in an adoption simply because of the nature of their work. Nurses and social workers become involved in any birth and possible adoption within their hospital. This can be good. This can be bad. The question becomes: Is this an adoption-friendly hospital? Let me explain by example.

A few summers ago, I worked with a birth mother who delivered her baby in a Pennsylvania hospital. She was single, providing for two teen-aged daughters on her own, working for minimum wage and living at home with her mother. Her pregnancy was the product of rape. She received counseling and believed she was unable to parent the baby. She made an adoption plan and selected adoptive parents. At the time of the birth, the adoptive parents were present.

A hospital nurse approached the adoptive parents while they were standing alone and advised them: the birth mother was not "giving her baby away" and they should leave the hospital immediately. In tears, the adoptive parents left. The nurse then went into the hospital room and began yelling at the birth mother to parent the baby. The birth mother, who was strong in mind and confident in her decision, sent the nurse out of the room. The birth mother had not changed her mind; this was the work of the nurse alone. The adoptive parents came back to the hospital and the adoption went forward. A complaint was made to the hospital about the incident, and the nurse was fired.

This is a hospital horror story. I imagine that every adoption specialist has had a similar experience.

On the flip side, there are hospital workers who are very sensitive and receptive to patients needs. Their focus is on the best interests of their patients (mother and child), rather than their own agenda. Most hospitals today are striving to do better. Even those who are "adoption-friendly" want to do better, through the re-evaluation their policies and procedures and by providing better services for their patients. As a result, hospital horror stories will become less common and a thing of the past.

Pregnant women and teens considering adoption deserve to receive the highest level of care not only by adoption specialists, but from everyone. Have you had an experience you would like to share? Please do.

Would you like to talk with a pregnancy counselor? Someone who wants to help? Adoption House International (www.adoptionhouse.org) has counselors available to speak with you 24/7 -- at no cost to you. And all calls are confidential. If so, please call: 1-877-921-1102.

An Inspiring Quote

A friend of mine keeps an inspiring quote on the bottom of her emails. It reads as follows:

"I'm only one. But still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."

In the spirit of this quote, it is important to remember that there are people who want to help. It seems that most people in the adoption field want to help. People don't enter this field to make a ton of money -- as it is non-profit work. People enter this field because they want to help. They want to make a difference.

I recently was involved with an adoption of twins. They were adopted by a wonderful family after a very rough start at life (they were born premature, with a drug addiction). The sense of joy I felt after that adoption is immeasurable. For these babies are healthy, living in a loving and stable home. This is why we do what we do. It is an honor.

So, if you need help, please know that people are there to support you. Are you pregnant? Confused? Need someone to talk with? You can email me here, or you can call one of the pregnancy counselors at Adoption House International at no cost. They are available all the time - 24/7. And all calls are confidential: 877-921.1102.

All the best,

M.J.

A Recent Adoption

I recently worked on an adoption at a local hospital. I would like to share some thoughts about it with you.

In the beginning, I met with the birth mother to talk about her pregnancy and reasons for considering adoption. She was in her 20s, married and pregnant with her third child. She explained that one of her children has severe medical issues, and she did not think they could properly parent another child at this time. She asked about different types of adoption and thought that she and her husband would be happy with a semi-open adoption (where they would choose the adoptive family -- after reading non-identifying information about them --and would receive photos and updates from the adoption agency thereafter). Once the birth mother was certain that this was the best decision, she filled out paperwork ... and more paperwork.

Next, the birth mother was presented with letters (known as profiles) from prospective adoptive parents. The profiles provided her with a glimpse into the world of each potential parent -- with pictures of themselves, their extended families, their homes. In the profiles, the potential parents provided information (non-identifying) about their lives, their beliefs, their dreams of parenthood, etc .... After spending time reading all the profiles, the birth mother selected a potential family.

At that point, we contacted the family and advised them that they were selected. Within 12 hours, the adoptive parents were waiting in the hospital to meet the birth mother and child (such a meeting between adoptive parents and birth parents does not always occur, it depends on everyone's wishes). First, the birth mother met the potential parents. They all had a nice meeting, and felt very comfortable with one another. The birth mother confirmed that this was the family she wanted to adopt the child. With this approval, the adoptive parents met the baby. I left the hospital room to give them some privacy. When I peeked my head back into the room, they smiled. All was well. They were already in love with this little baby.

The birth mother was discharged from the hospital later that day. The baby went home with his new adoptive parents. The agency remains available to speak with the birth mother.

Today, everyone is doing well. The birth mother receives updates from the adoption agency, and the baby is thriving in his new home.

What are your thoughts on this adoption experience? Do you have an experience to share?

Did you see the movie "Juno" ?

Did any of you see the movie "Juno"? I just saw it and thought it was terrrific. It was about a teen facing an unplanned pregnancy. She looked in the Yellow Pages or was it classified ads and connected with a family looking to adopt. There were twists and turns to the story, some very funny and others sad, ultimately leading to a single parent adoption.

I know it was "just a movie," but what struck me in the movie was the birth mother's strength and support system (both a father and quirky stepmother who stood by her) throughout her pregnancy.

Some birth mother's do have this internal strength and external support system; however, many do not. Sometimes birth mothers hide their pregnancies from their families and friends for as long as possible -- in some cases for the entire pregnancy. Fortunately, there are resources available to help women facing an unintended pregnancy. Especially when birth mothers are not sharing the news about their pregnancies, seeking outside help may be very important for them and the unborn child.

Working with an adoption agency may be valuable for birth parents in need of assistance -- whether it be counseling, help getting medical insurance and expense assistance (where allowable by state law), as well as help in selecting an adoptive family. An agency can hold your hand through the entire adoption process, without judgment.

At Adoption House International there are birth parent counselors available to help birth parents, at no cost to them, 24-7.

Do you have any thoughts on the movie "Juno"? I would be very interested in hearing them.

Barriers to Adoption

Interestingly, the National Council for Adoption published a study in 2007 which set forth the main barriers to consider adoption, as reported by birth mothers (note that there was no particular order):

• How can I "give away" my child?
• By choosing adoption, doesn't that make me an unloving or incompetent mother?
• Won't the child feel as if his/her mother abandoned and rejected him/her and won't his self esteem be negatively affected?
• The adoptive parents might not love the child the same way as I could.
• Fear of the intense pain associated with relinquishment.
• Won't other people think poorly of me if I choose adoption?

The same NCFA study found that women also have similar questions about the option of parenting:

• Am I ready/mature enough to parent a child?
• Will I be able to provide a stable "mother and father" family to my baby?
• Won't other people look down on me for being a single mother?
• Will I be able to provide for myself and my child?
• Will I be able to emotionally nurture a child?
• What if I lose my identity and vision for my future by taking on the responsibility for a child?

According to the study, those who ultimately chose adoption said the feelings and beliefs that enabled them to choose adoption and feel good about it were the following, which are listed in no particular order:

• That it was her decision that she reached voluntarily without being coerced or tricked.
• The conclusion that adoption was best for the baby.
• Being able to select the adoptive parents.
• The belief that she was being a "good mother" by choosing adoption and ensuring that her child was with a good family.
• By making an adoption plan, it enabled her to regain some measure of control of her life.
• By making an adoption plan, it enabled her to redeem a "mistake" by turning something negative into a positive.
• The adoption decision was something that she was able to reconcile with her family and her community.
• A belief that God was working in every one's life.

How do you feel about the findings in the NCFA study?

Interesting Adoption Facts

The U.S. Census Report of 2000 on Adoption Data (www.census.gov/prod/2003pubs/censr-6.pdf) provides current information on adoption patterns within our country:

• 1.7 million households report having adopted children under the age of 18 years of age
• 13% of these children were adopted from other countries
• 42,000 families report having adopted children less than one year old (this includes domestic, familial, and international adoption)

According to the National Council for Adoption's analysis in Factbook IV:

• There were 130,269 annual adoptions in the U.S. in 2002
• 76,013 were unrelated adoptions of American children (by people not related to the child)
• 52,136 of the 76,013 were adopted from public agencies, the majority of which were older children and those with special needs
• 22.291 were adoptions of healthy infants (under the age of 2) of all races and ethnic backgrounds
• Domestic unrelated infant adoptions continue to decline from 1996
• 52,256 children were adopted by relatives or stepparents in 2002
• There were 21,495 international adoptions by Americans in 2005 (according to the U.S. State Department)

What are your thoughts on these statistics? Why do you think the number of domestic newborn infant adoptions have declined? Do you think a birth mother faces more barriers to considering adoption today?

In my next blog, I will address some of the barriers to considering adoption.

Choosing Adoptive Parents

Let's discuss the selection of adoptive parents. Assuming that you have chosen adoption for your child, you may want to consider what characteristics are important to you in selecting adoptive parents.

An adoption agency screens potential parents in advance, to ensure that they are good, honest, mature people with a firm commitment to providing a healthy, happy life for the child. To accomplish this, the agency uses a process called a "home study." They undergo extensive interviews, submit character and employment references, and permit a physical examination of the home in which the child would be raised. Some agencies, such as Adoption House International, require even more from potential parents -- requiring potential parents to complete 10 hours of parent training as part of the home study process. This process ensures that potential parents meet your expectations of "good parents."

Once the home study is complete, and the potential parent(s) approved, they will prepare a "Dear Birth Mother" letter or "Profile" for birth parents to consider. This document is important, as it will be shown to you for your consideration. You can learn about different potential parents by reading these documents and finding out about the people who want to raise the child. You can choose the family with whom you are most comfortable.

Here are some questions for you to consider in selecting adoptive parents:

• Do you believe the child should have both a mother and a father?
• If so, do you believe it is important for the mother and father to be married?
• Would you be comfortable with a same sex couple raising the child?
• Do you think one of the parents should be a "stay at home" parent or do you think both should work?
• Does it matter to you what income level the adoptive family has? If so, what is your preference?
• Is the age of the adoptive parents important to you? If so, what is your preference?
• Do you think it is important for the child to be raised in a family with a strong religious faith? If so, do you have a preference for the religious faith?
• Do you think it is important for a child to have brothers and/or sisters?
• Are there certain interests that you believe add to a child's experience in a family (music, art, sports, politics, etc.)?
• Are there other issues that are important to you in the selection of a family for the child?

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns about the home study process or choosing the adoptive parents.

Some questions and guidance for this post were inspired by the National Council For Adoption's Discussion Guide for the Selection of Adoptive Parents.