The Adoption Choice

The Adoption Choice: Adoption is an Option for Rape Victims

2011-11-22T14:41:00.000-05:00

The Adoption Choice: Adoption is an Option for Rape Victims: Many women and teens who contact an adoption agency are experiencing an unintended or difficult pregnancy. An unintended pregnancy is a pre...

Adoption is an Option for Rape Victims

2011-11-22T14:34:00.005-05:00

Many women and teens who contact an adoption agency are experiencing an unintended or difficult pregnancy. An unintended pregnancy is a pregnancy that was not planned for. The birth family may or may not be capable of parenting at this time and may consider adoption as an option to parenting or abortion. A difficult pregnancy may involve extenuating circumstances. For example, the pregnancy may be the result of non-consensual intercourse, also known as rape.

There are many adoptive families waiting to become parents. They wish to provide permanent, safe and loving homes to children. Many hopeful adoptive families are not concerned if the baby was conceived from non-consensual intercourse or rape. Click here to view waiting families.

If you are experiencing an unplanned and/or difficult pregnancy, and you are considering adoption for your baby, it is important that you receive adequate counseling. It is recommended that you receive both counseling at a rape care center as well as adoption counseling from a good adoption agency. Working together, the counseling center and adoption agency can provide specialized care helping the mother and her unborn child.

There are different types of adoption available to a woman/teen considering adoption. It is important that you work with an agency that offers services that meet your wishes and needs.

There are three basic types of adoption:

open adoption - where the birth and adoptive families maintain an open, direct relationship before and after the adoption takes place. This may involve annual in-person visits and the exchange of personal, identifying information (full names and addresses).

semi-open adoption - where the birth and adoptive families exchange non-identifying information (e.g. first names) through an intermediary (an adoption agency) before and after the adoption takes place. This may involve the exchange of photos and letter updates through the intermediary. The parties may meet face to face, if requested by the birth family.

confidential adoption - where the birth and adoptive families do not exchange information. The birth family may select the adoptive family, but may wish to remain anonymous.

Working with an agency, it is important that you explore the different types of adoption and make a personal adoption plan that meets your wishes and needs. While open or semi-open adoption is more common today, there are instances where confidential adoption is preferred. In the case of a rape situation, a confidential adoption may be preferred.

Here is a resource list that may be helpful:

Adoption Services Nationwide:

If you are interested in learning about adoption, Alliance for Children offers free, confidential birth parent counseling. Click here to get started, or call 877-402-3678.

Rape Care Services:

If you live in Massachusetts:

Click here for a list of the 17 Rape Crisis Centers and 1 statewide

rape crisis program in Massachusetts. (This list is 10 pages long.)

If you live in Pennsylvania:

The Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape offers rape crisis services. Click here:

http://www.pcar.org/contractor/search

If you live in New Jersey:

Listed below is contact information for rape care centers in NJ:

New Jersey Division on Women - Rape Care Centers

(Alphabetical, by county)

ATLANTIC COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services Atlantic County Women’s Center

609/646-6767 office
800/286-4184 hotline

BERGEN COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services YWCA of Bergen County

201/488-7110 office
201/487-2227 hotline

BURLINGTON COUNTY, NJ Rape Care Program CONTACT of Burlington County

856/234-5484 office
856/234-8888 hotline

CAMDEN COUNTY, NJ Services Empowering Rape Victims Center For Family Services

856/964-1990 ext. 232 office
866-295-7378 hotline

CAPE MAY COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services C.A.R.A., Inc.

609/522-6489 office
877-294-2272 hotline

CUMBERLAND COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services Cumberland County Guidance Center

856/825-6810 office - ext. 209
856/293-9753 hotline

ESSEX COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services UMDNJ

973/746-0800 office
877/733-2273 hotline

GLOUCESTER COUNTY, NJ Services Empowering Rape Victims Center For Family Services

856/964-1990 ext. 232 office
866\295-7378 hotline

HUDSON COUNTY, NJ Hudson County Rape Crisis Center Christ Hospital School of Nursing

201/795-8375 office
201/795-5757 hotline

HUNTERDON COUNTY, NJ Women’s Crisis Services

908/788-7666 office
888-988-4033 hotline

MERCER COUNTY, NJ Sexual Assault Support Services Womanspace, Inc.

609/394-0136 office
609/394-9000 hotline

MIDDLESEX COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Intervention Center

732/321-1189 office
877/665-7273 hotline

MONMOUTH COUNTY, NJ Rape Care Program @ 180 Turning Lives Around

732/264-4111 office
888/264-7273 hotline

MORRIS COUNTY, NJ Morris County Sexual Assault Center

973/971-4715 office
973/829-0587 hotline

OCEAN COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services St. Francis Counseling Community Center

609/494-1554 office
609/494-1090 hotline

PASSAIC COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services Passaic County Women’s Center

973/881-0725 office
973/881-1450 hotline

SALEM COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services Salem County Women’s Services

856/935-8012 office
856/935-6655 hotline

SOMERSET COUNTY, NJ Sexual Assault Support Services Women’s Health and Counseling Center

908/526-2335 office ext. 130
908/526-7444 hotline

SUSSEX COUNTY, NJ Sexual Trauma Resource Center

973/300-5609 office
973/875-1211 hotline

UNION COUNTY, NJ Union County Rape Crisis Center

908/233-7273 office
908/233-7273 hotline

WARREN COUNTY, NJ Rape Crisis Services Domestic Abuse and Rape Crisis Center

908/453-4121 office
866/623-7273 hotline

The Adoption Choice: Choosing An Adoptive Family to Parent Your Baby Th...

2011-11-06T09:04:00.000-05:00

The Adoption Choice: Choosing An Adoptive Family to Parent Your Baby Th...: Did you know that in adoption today the biological parent(s) are encouraged to play an active role in selecting an adoptive family for their...

Choosing An Adoptive Family to Parent Your Baby Through Private Agency Adoption

2011-11-06T08:52:00.001-05:00

Did you know that in adoption today the biological parent(s) are encouraged to play an active role in selecting an adoptive family for their baby? Through personalized adoption planning a pregnant mom considering adoption should feel empowered in choosing the type of adoption (open adoption with ongoing direct contact, semi-open adoption with picture and letter updates through the adoption agency or confidential adoption in which there is no contact between the parties) and selecting the adoptive family that meets her wishes and needs.

A big concern raised by biological families about adoption is making sure that they are selecting a "good" adoptive family. They want a family that will provide the baby with love, safety and security. And how do they know whether or not a family will provide this? Through private agency adoption, families wishing to adopt are pre-screened during an intensive home study process before they can be considered as potential adoptive parents. During the home study process, they will undergo an evaluation in the following areas:

Personal and family background-including upbringing, siblings, key events, and what was learned from them
Significant people in the lives of the applicants
Marriage and family relationships
Motivation to adopt
Expectations for the child
Feelings about infertility (if this is an issue)
Parenting and integration of the child into the family
Family environment
Physical and health history of the applicants
Education, employment and finances-including insurance coverage and child care plans if needed
References and criminal background clearances

If a family receives an approved home study, they may be considered as a potential adoptive family.

A biological family working with a private agency should be presented with the biographies of potential families. Each will include a "Dear Birth Parent Letter", photos and a family profile, biological families often find a family that seems to click. They may share similar hobbies and have a comfortable parenting style - something about a particular family will stand out. The biological and potential adoptive families may have the opportunity meet face to face either before the baby is born or at the hospital. After reviewing information of pre-screened and approved waiting adoptive families, ad selecting a family that best matches the biological family's wishes and needs, the biological family will feel more confident in their adoption plan. Click here to for a resource.

Another concern of biological families is that they want a family that will keep promises, such as the promise to send photo and letter updates and allow for in person visits (if this is what the parties agree to). In some states this is a larger concern than other states. For example, in Massachusetts and New York the parties will sign a post adoption contact agreement which sets forth the type of contact agreed to by the parties. Such an agreement is a legal document and can be enforced by a court if the adoptive family did not comply. In other states, the parties may draft an agreement regarding the adoption plan. It is a moral agreement, but it is not legally enforceable. Under that scenario, it is important that the biological family select a family with which they feel most comfortable.

You can begin the adoption process at any time during your pregnancy. In some instances a biological mom will contact an agency soon after learning about her pregnancy. At other times, she will contact an adoption agency from the hospital before or after the baby's birth. Regardless of when an adoption plan is made, the biological mom/family is encouraged to choose a waiting adoptive family that is pre-screened and approved and that has similar wishes and needs as the biological family.

If you want to learn more about waiting adoptive families, please click this link or contact Nancy at Alliance for Children at 877-402-3678.

The Adoption Choice: Pregnant? Making an Adoption Plan for your Baby i...

2011-10-24T15:09:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Pregnant? Making an Adoption Plan for your Baby i...: Are you considering adoption for your unborn child? Working with an adoption agency is a good place to start. Meeting with a qualified c...

Pregnant? Making an Adoption Plan for your Baby in New Jersey

2011-10-24T15:08:00.003-04:00

Are you considering adoption for your unborn child? Working with an adoption agency is a good place to start. Meeting with a qualified counselor, the first step is to discuss your options - parenting, adoption or abortion. Your counselor will assist you in exploring these options. All information you share with her is confidential and there is no cost involved.

If you are considering adoption, it is important to become familiar with the different types of adoption. Unlike in the past, pregnant women and teens are encouraged to play an active role in making an adoption plan that sets forth their wishes and needs.

There are three basic types of adoption:

In a Confidential adoption, also referred to as a “Closed” adoption, there is total confidentiality and sealed records. No information is shared between the birth and adoptive parents. No relationship is established between the parties.

Semi open adoption involves a degree of contact between the birth and adoptive parents, but this contact is limited and involves the exchange of only non-identifying information (e.g., first names and the state/region in which they reside). The parties often communicate through an intermediary such as an adoption agency. Significantly, birth parents play an active role in selecting an adoptive family and receive pictures and letter updates through the agency. Thanks to technology advances, the parties may choose to stay connected through the internet in a non-identifying manner (e.g., creating a dedicated website with picture and video uploads of child milestones for birth parent viewing).

Open adoption involves a degree of ongoing personal contact between birth parent(s), adoptive parent(s) and the child. It involves an exchange of identifying information between the parties (e.g., names, addresses, and phone numbers). The parties will determine the nature and extent of contact and this is often communicated and managed directly -- without the assistance of an intermediary.

After you have determined what type of adoption interests you, the next step is to discuss with your counselor the kind of family that interests you. New Jersey law supports a birth parent's involvement in selecting an adoptive family. If you have any preferences with regard to religious practice, race, lifestyle, etc., you should advise your counselor. It is important that you are comfortable with every aspect of your adoption plan.

The agency will then pre-select potential adoptive families for you to consider that best match your preferences. You will be provided with a "profiles" of each waiting family, consisting of a letter and about 5-8 pages of photos and information about each family. Through the profile, a family will share information about who they are individually and as a couple (if married), and why they would like to become parents. If you have questions for an adoptive family, your counselor can help. It can also be arranged for you to exchange emails or speak with the family by phone.

After an adoptive family is selected, you may or may not want to meet the family in person. The agency will make all of the arrangements and your counselor will walk you through the entire process.

The agency will contact the hospital social work staff to advise them of your adoption plan and make sure you are comfortable during your hospital stay. If you would like your counselor present at the hospital during delivery, she will be there. Or if you want her to be available by cell phone/text, she will be. Whether or not you want the adoptive family present at the delivery and/or after the birth or only at the time of discharge is your decision. Your counselor will advise the agency of your preferences and the adoptive family will be advised.

Absent complications, your baby will remain in the hospital for approximately 48 hours for a vaginal delivery or 72 hours plus for a c-section delivery. At the time of discharge, the baby will often go home directly with the adoptive family. In a private agency adoption there is typically no involvement with foster care. The agency will oversee the adoption until it is finalized by the court.

In New Jersey, as a birth parent, you are able to sign paperwork to surrender your parental rights 72 hours after birth. At the same time, you may sign an agreement outlining any contact arrangements you have made with the adoptive family for in-person visits with the child and/or pictures and letter updates until the child reaches 18 years of age. In some states such an agreement is legally enforceable. In New Jersey, the contract is not legally enforceable and the agreement will be signed in reliance on good faith.

Throughout the adoption process, it is important to receive counseling. Counseling before, counseling during, and counseling after an adoption. Working with an adoption agency, you will receive the guidance and care necessary to make a successful adoption plan. Click this link to get started!

Steve Jobs’ unusual meeting with his father | The Lookout - Yahoo! News

2011-10-24T13:11:00.001-04:00

Steve Jobs’ unusual meeting with his father | The Lookout - Yahoo! News:

'via Blog this'

The Adoption Choice: Local Help in New Jersey for Pregnant Teens and Wo...

2011-10-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Local Help in New Jersey for Pregnant Teens and Wo...: My earlier post discussed the importance for a pregnant woman or teen facing a difficult or unintended pregnancy to receive assistance from ...

Local Help in New Jersey for Pregnant Teens and Women Considering Their Options of Adoption, Parenting or Abortion

2011-10-21T09:14:00.000-04:00

My earlier post discussed the importance for a pregnant woman or teen facing a difficult or unintended pregnancy to receive assistance from an options counselor with an adoption agency before making decisions regarding her pregnancy. Considering all of your options - which may include parenting, adoption and abortion - should be fully explored by a qualified pregnancy counselor.

Not all pregnancy counselors offer good options counseling. If you go to an abortion clinic you may meet with a counselor who in not even educated about adoption - so it is not even possible to fully explore your choices. In an effort to help, our adoption agency, Alliance for Children, reached out to abortion clinics throughout New Jersey to provide educational materials about adoption. Some of the abortion clinics responded that they do not accept adoption materials. So much for informed decision making.

According to studies, adoption is actually least often considered as an option by women facing unintended pregnancies. Why? A well-known study of Dr. Mech, entitled the "Mech Adoption Interest Inventory," indicated that 40% of "pregnancy counselors" did not even raise the issue of adoption with pregnant clients. Further, the study found that of the 60% who raised the issue of adoption, 40% provided inaccurate or incomplete information. This simply must change. A woman or teen facing an unplanned pregnancy is entitled to have knowledge of all available options, including adoption.

Here are some of the findings of Dr. Mech's study of pregnant women, interviewed from health clinics:

43.82% would be interested in meeting with other girls who are pregnant to discuss how to make decisions about resolving a pregnancy.
14.81% would be interested in talking with other girls who have chosen adoption for their baby.
19.13% might consider adoption if they thought it would help them finish school and get a job that they wanted.
31.48% might consider adoption if they thought their child would have a better chance in life with another family.
17.90% would be interested in talking with a family who had adopted a child.
21.60% would be interested in talking to someone who was adopted.
12.34% might consider adoption if they could meet the prospective adoptive parents.
19.13% might consider adoption if they could have a part in choosing the adoptive family for the baby.
12.96% might consider adoption if they could see their child once in a while.
17.90% might consider an adoption plan only if they could have information (pictures, progress report) of their child growing up and knew everything was all right.
14.81% might consider adoption if they thought in the long run it would help them reach their own vocational and career goals.
20.98% might consider adoption if they were sure that the adoptive family would give the child love, security and a good home.

Good counseling is essential to ensure that women and teens understand their choices before making a decision. Counseling through an adoption agency like Alliance is an appropriate place to start. Adoption agencies are licensed entities that are required to follow the state laws protecting the rights of women and teens considering adoption.

For example, New Jersey law requires that a birth/expectant parent be offered at least three face-to-face counseling sessions conducted in a private and professional setting or in the home, by a qualified social work staff on separate days. In addition, New Jersey requires that the counseling sessions fully explore adoption and alternative plans for the child. The birth/expectant parent may waive this counseling; however, it must be offered. To learn more about this, visit N.J.S.A. Section 10:121A5.4(c).

If you are experiencing a difficult pregnancy and need help, call an adoption agency for options counseling first. Whether your decision ultimately is to parent, adoption and abortion, this should be fully explored by a qualified pregnancy counselor beforehand. Not all counselors are alike and some "pregnancy counselors" are not qualified to present accurate information about adoption. This is evidenced by the findings in Dr. Mech's study - demonstrating the lack of accurate information being shared by some "pregnancy counselors" about adoption and the possibility that adoption may be an option considered more often if accurate information is shared by qualified options counselors.

To speak with an options counselor, a qualified adoption agency is the best place to start. Alliance for Children is available to assist you with personal, confidential and caring options counseling at no cost. Contact the agency at 877-402-3678 or www.allforchildren.org and ask for Nancy. She is available to help 24/7.

The Adoption Choice: Questions During an Unplanned Pregnancy

2011-10-18T13:15:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Questions During an Unplanned Pregnancy: A woman does a pregnancy test and discovers she is pregnant. She wants to feel happy about the pregnancy, but she can't. She is already a ...

Questions During an Unplanned Pregnancy

2011-10-18T13:14:00.000-04:00

A woman does a pregnancy test and discovers she is pregnant. She wants to feel happy about the pregnancy, but she can't. She is already a single mom, working or maybe not working. She is already parenting at least one child and she lacks the resources and energy to parent another child.

A teen-aged girl does a pregnancy test and discovers she is pregnant. She wants to feel happy about the pregnancy, but she can't. She is young, possibly working part time and/or going to school. She lacks the resources and ability to parent a child. She is still living at home with her parent(s) and still feels like a child herself sometimes. She is confused and upset.

In both cases, the pregnancy is unplanned and the expectant mother feels she is not capable of parenting at this time. There are many different scenarios which ultimately cause an expectant mother to ask the question: To Parent or Not To Parent. Here is a list of 15 questions to ask oneself when faced with that question:

What do I want out of my life?
Can I handle a baby and a job and/or school at the same time?
Have I managed school and/or job and other activities well in the past?
How would parenting a child change my educational plans?
Am I ready to give up the freedom of doing what I want when I want to do it?
Am I willing to cut back on my social life - staying home to care for my baby while my friends go out?
Would I miss my free time and privacy?
Can I afford to support a child?
Do I want to raise my child in the neighborhood where I am living in now?
How might a child interfere with my growth and personal development?
Am I willing to give a great part of my life – AT LEAST 18 YEARS – to be a responsible parent?
Am I able to give the child the love that he/she needs/deserves?
Am I patient enough to deal with the noise, confusion, and the 24-hour-a-day responsibility of having a child?
Do I get along with my family?
How would I take care of my baby’s health and safety?

Through options counseling, an expectant mother will explore these issues with her counselor. If she does not believe that parenting is an option, the next step is to consider the alternatives: adoption or abortion. Many women and teenagers considering their alternatives will seek out an abortion clinic first thing. On some level, they may be expecting to receive options counseling at an abortion clinic. However, many abortion clinics do not provide options counseling. Many clinics will not even accept adoption literature from an adoption agency. Therefore, it may be better for an expectant mother to make her first appointment with an adoption specialist. She can explore the option of adoption and then decide whether to make an appointment with a clinic.

After considering all of her options and making an educated choice, it is hoped that the pregnant teenager or woman will feel confident and more at peace with her decision.

If you are interested in speaking with a counselor about your options, reach out to an adoption specialist. Click the link to get started! Alliance for Children is a private adoption agency offering confidential, free options counseling. 877-402-3678. www.allforchildren.org.

The Adoption Choice: Adoption and the Biological Father

2011-10-12T13:53:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Adoption and the Biological Father: Some state laws include a legal definition of the word "father" for purposes of prescribing benefits to children born out of wedlock. Under...

Adoption and the Biological Father

2011-10-12T13:52:00.000-04:00

Some state laws include a legal definition of the word "father" for purposes of prescribing benefits to children born out of wedlock. Under New Jersey law, for example, the legal definition of "father" is set forth as follows:

"Parent and child relationship" means the legal relationship existing between a child and the child's natural or adoptive parents, incident to which the law confers or imposes rights, privileges, duties, and obligations. It includes the mother and child relationship and the father and child relationship.

"Parent" means a birth parent or parents, including the birth father of a child born out of wedlock who has acknowledged the child or to whom the court has ordered notice to be given.

A man is presumed to be the biological father ("birth father") of a child under certain circumstances, such as if he and the child's mother are or have been married to each other and the child is born during the marriage or within 300 days after the marriage is terminated (see, N.J. S.A. Sections 9:3-38; 9:17-39, 9:17-43). This presumption may be overcome, however, by a man who sufficiently denies paternity in writing.

In some states such as New York, Pennsylvania, Florida and Texas, a man may acknowledge paternity of a child through the state's putative father registry. In Pennsylvania, for example, a birth father of a child born to an unmarried woman may file with the Department of Public Welfare, on forms prescribed by the department, an acknowledgment of paternity of the child that shall include the consent of the mother of the child. Other states, including New Jersey and Massachusetts, do not have a putative father registry.

Significantly, if a child is born out of wedlock, a birth mother is not legally required to provide the name of the birth father. A birth mother should not be discouraged from identifying the birth father. However, there are circumstances where the birth father is unknown or where the birth mother is unwilling to identify him (see, N.J. S.A.10:121A-5.4).

If you are a birth parent considering adoption for your baby, it is important to understand the legal relationship existing between a child and both the biological mother and the biological father. Please contact an adoption specialist to assist you. Alliance for Children is available to offer this assistance 24/7. Ask for Nancy: 877-402-3678. www.allforchildren.org. All calls are confidential and free of charge.

The Adoption Choice: Allowable Expenses You Can Receive During Pregnanc...

2011-10-07T12:12:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Allowable Expenses You Can Receive During Pregnanc...: Pregnant and Considering Adoption? Learn about Expense Reimbursement During Pregnancy An adoption agency's ability to assist a pregnant wo...

Allowable Expenses You Can Receive During Pregnancy

2011-10-07T12:06:00.003-04:00

Pregnant and Considering Adoption? Learn about Expense Reimbursement During Pregnancy

An adoption agency's ability to assist a pregnant woman or teen (birth mom) with financial expenses vary case by case as per the applicable state law. While she cannot realize financial gain from the act of placing her child for adoption, state laws recognize that a birth mom should not suffer significant financial hardship as a result of her adoption decision. Some states allow more financial assistance than others, so it is important that a birth mom ask an adoption specialist what assistance is available to her when making an adoption plan for her baby. Here are general guidelines regarding allowable birth parent expenses.

Many state laws permit payment of birth parent expenses that are reasonably related to the pregnancy. These expenses may fall within the following criteria:

v Maternity-related

v Necessary

v Of the mother

"Maternity-related" expenses may include:

Maternity Clothes - Costs vary but should be reasonable.
Medical Care - Adoptive parents shall pay all uncovered pregnancy- related medical expenses. An agency can assist a birth mom in applying for medical coverage through her state.
Dental Care - This does not extend to corrective dental work unrelated to the pregnancy.
Housing - Housing should be comfortable and proper, not unreasonably in excess of a birth mom’s accustomed lifestyle.
Utilities and Phone - Phone Bill should be reasonable and not excessive.
Groceries - Groceries and Sundries are acceptable and based on the cost to a woman living alone. When setting an amount, it is necessary to consider whether birth mom is already receiving food stamps. If she is receiving food stamps, this cost may be reduced.
Transportation - A birth mom may need transportation to and from doctor and counseling appointments; thus assistance with a bus pass or payment of actually incurred taxi fares may be permissible. If a birth mom travels to a particular state to give birth and place a child for adoption, it may be appropriate for adoptive parents to pay her travel expenses, including a return ticket after the adoption. Assistance may extend to payment of gasoline and car repairs necessary to keep the birth mom’s car safely operable, provided it is a minor repair and not an improvement or enhancement of the vehicle.
Moving/Relocation - If placement of a child for adoption necessitates a move by a birth mom, reasonable moving expenses may be paid – but only when the move is one of necessity rather than of convenience.

Significantly, financial assistance paid to a birth mom is unconditional. This means that assistance is not contingent upon placement of a child for adoption. This assistance may continue before birth and during "confinement." The amount of time for reimbursement preceding birth varies from state to state. Further, confinement is interpreted differently state by state but generally refers to the time when the birth mom is “medically disabled” and “unemployable” due to delivery of the baby - often 2 to 6 weeks after delivery.

What does "of the mother" mean? Financial assistance is available to birth mom. If a birth mom is living with another person, the other person should be expected to pay an equitable share of common expenses such as rent, groceries or utilities. If a birth mom is under a legal duty to support another person, such as a child or disabled husband, the amount of assistance provided should reflect that legal obligation. In the absence of a legal obligation of support on the part of a birth mom it is improper to support her boyfriend or other persons.

This information may serve as a general guideline regarding financial reimbursement. While some states do not allow for financial reimbursement of expenses other than counseling, medical and legal expenses, many others do allow for reasonable reimbursement of living expenses as well.

To find out more about allowable expenses in your state you should speak with an adoption specialist. If you would like to speak with an adoption specialist at Alliance for Children, please call Nancy at 1-877-402-3678 or visit Alliance online at www.allforchildren.org.

The Adoption Choice: Adoption in New Jersey and Within the United State...

2011-09-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Adoption in New Jersey and Within the United State...: This week I have spent a good amount of time visiting with community organizations in New Jersey to discuss adoption. It seems that a large...

Adoption in New Jersey and Within the United States

2011-09-27T15:26:00.003-04:00

This week I have spent a good amount of time visiting with community organizations in New Jersey to discuss adoption. It seems that a large number of pregnant teenagers and women do not know their options to an unintended or difficult pregnancy, including parenting, adoption or abortion.

For those questioning "Am I Capable of Parenting?", learning the basics about adoption may open the door to a new possibility. A birth parent should receive adequate medical care and counseling, and should make all efforts to maintain a healthful lifestyle. An adoption agency can offer help with this in the following ways: assisting a birth parent in applying for medicaid if necessary; locating an OB/GYN; and providing counseling to explore options. The goal is simple: to move in a positive direction.

Many states, such as New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Texas and Florida, also allow an agency to provide financial reimbursement for pregnancy-related expenses. This may include help paying rent, food, clothing and transportation expenses.

Through options counseling, a birth parent will be in a good position to decide whether or not adoption is the best option. If she chooses to pursue adoption, the agency will help her to make an adoption plan. This will include choosing the type of adoption (confidential adoption where there is no ongoing contact with the baby after the adoption placement and the most privacy, semi-open adoption where a birth parent may receive pictures and letter updates throughout the child's life, or open adoption where a birth parent remains in personal contact with the child and adoptive family). In addition, making an adoption plan will include selecting an adoptive family. The agency will presents different families to a birth parent for consideration, unless she would like the agency to select on her behalf. A birth parent has the option to meet an adoptive family before making a decision. To learn more about options counseling, click here.

Once an adoption plan is created, the next step is to make a hospital plan. The adoption agency will help make arrangements with the hospital and make sure you are comfortable.

At the end of the adoption process, it is the goal of the agency for you to feel confident in your adoption and ultimately to find a permanent, stable and loving home for your child.

I am often asked by birth parents how they can be certain that the adoptive family selected is a good family. After all, adoption is not always portrayed positively on television or in the movies. But television and the movies are about drama and in many instances do not accurately depict adoption.

In order for a family to qualify as an adoptive family, the agency where I work (Alliance for Children) requires an extensive evaluation and parent training. In addition to having criminal background, child abuse and FBI clearance checks, adoptive families must demonstrate financial stability, medical health and emotional well being. Adoptive families are interviewed about their childhoods, why they want to parent and how they would parent. They must also commit never to use corporal punishment when disciplining a child. After these extensive interviews, document production and background checks, families must then meet our training requirements in order to be approved to become an adoptive family. Once approved, adoptive families will then wait to be selected by a birth family. To view waiting adoptive family profiles click here.

The adoption process is both thorough and thoughtful. Once a birth parent has an accurate understanding of adoption, it often leads to greater confidence and peace of mind in making an adoption plan. If you are looking for assistance, reach out to Alliance for Children for help. Call and ask for Nancy. She is available to assist you 24/7 at 877-402-3678. Alliance works with birth families throughout the United States and maintains offices in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Texas and Florida.

Visit the Alliance website at www.allforchildren.org. Do you want to view profiles of some waiting families before getting started? Click here.

The Adoption Choice: Pregnancy, Abortion and Adoption in New Jersey

2011-09-20T15:54:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Pregnancy, Abortion and Adoption in New Jersey: Many people considering adoption ask me: who is today's birth parent? At Alliance, we work with women and teens who are pregnant and con...

Pregnancy, Abortion and Adoption in New Jersey

2011-09-20T15:51:00.001-04:00

Many people considering adoption ask me: who is today's birth parent? At Alliance, we work with women and teens who are pregnant and considering their options. These options include parenting, abortion or adoption. In the event that it is late in a pregnancy, abortion may not be an option. This would leave two options: parenting or adoption.

Most often, the women and teens we help are facing an unintended difficult pregnancy. We provide them with assistance in many ways.

We discuss options - parenting, abortion or adoption. There is no pressure. A good agency will not influence the decision making process.
We explain the adoption process in the applicable state. For example, New Jersey adoption laws differ from those in Massachusetts. It is important to be educated before making a decision.
If adoption seems like the best option, we assess medical needs. If a birth mom does not have medical insurance we will help her seek coverage. We will also help arrange for prenatal care if this has not been done.
Next, we assess financial needs. These too vary based on the state in which a birth parent lives. New Jersey adoption law, for example, provides for reimbursement to a birth mother for reasonable living expenses during pregnancy. Other states do not provide reimbursement for living expenses. Some states limit the amount of reimbursement, others like Florida require court approval if expenses exceed a certain amount. All of this should be reviewed and explained to a birth parent.
We help birth parents make a personal adoption plan. We will explore which type of adoption - open, semi-open or confidential - best meets their needs.
We help match birth parents with potential adoptive families taking into consideration the personal adoption plan created for each particular birth parent. Birth parents will have families to consider -- input is requested and honored.
We then help make a hospital plan that reflects a birth parent's needs in the hospital.
Throughout this process, we offer hands on, private and confidential counseling at no cost to birth parents. It is free of charge and encouraged.

If you are considering your options you deserve to work with an agency that will provide all of the services listed above. Whether you are still considering parenting, abortion or adoption, please call Alliance for Children and ask for Nancy. She is available to offer assistance and options - 24/7. Alliance for Children has offices in New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Florida, Texas and Pennsylvania. 877-402-3678.

Adoption is an Option to Late Term Abortion in NJ and Elsewhere

2011-09-06T16:24:00.000-04:00

Are you considering options to an unplanned pregnancy? Is it too late for an abortion ? Are you uncertain as to whether you are capable emotionally and/or financially to parent?

Financial considerations are a major, but not the only, consideration. The cost of raising a child born in 2011 living in New Jersey, in a single parent household, sending a child to public college is $243,068 according to BabyCenter.com’s BabyCost Calculator. This includes estimated annual costs, from age 0 to 18, as follows: housing $3,095; food $1,692; transportation $1,087, clothing $605, healthcare $672, childcare/education $1,608; college $18,548, miscellaneous $623. The cost for the first year (excluding college) is $9,382.

There are additional considerations, such as daily physical, educational care of a child. For example, according to the National Council for Adoption, daily parenting of a child shall include:

Well-balanced, nutritious meals and assurance that the child eats sufficiently to meet growth needs
Clothing and foot ware appropriate for the season and occasion
Shelter that is safe and comfortable
Preventive with annual medical check-ups and immunizations; responsive when the child is sick.
Assurance that the child is receiving sufficient sleep to remain healthy and responsive
Toileting issues
Nurturing responsibilities include encouragement, comforting, consistency, establishment of a sense of security, dependability, playing, counseling, and loving
Discipline issues that include setting appropriate limits for age, self-management of anger, being a good example
Education issues (providing a traditional education through a school or in the home) and non-academic education issues (teaching independent life skills such as dressing, hygiene, decision-making, social skills, physical fitness and sports, manners and responsibility)
Moral guidance
Spiritual guidance

The rewards of parenting are great, however, if you are questioning whether or not you are emotionally or financially able to parent, it is helpful to speak with a birth parent counselor to consider your options. If it is too late in your pregnancy to consider abortion, and you are uncertain whether you are ready and able to parent, adoption may be a good choice.

Call Alliance for Children, a private agency of adoption specialists, and ask for Nancy. She is caring and professional and can help: 877-402-3678, www.all forchildren.org.

The Adoption Choice: Are you Pregnant in NJ? Too Late in the Pregnancy ...

2011-08-29T18:25:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Are you Pregnant in NJ? Too Late in the Pregnancy ...: Are you pregnant in New Jersey and not ready to parent? Are you too far along in your pregnancy for an abortion? Adoption is an option. W...

Are you Pregnant in NJ? Too Late in the Pregnancy to Consider Abortion? Adoption is an Option!

2011-08-29T18:18:00.001-04:00

Are you pregnant in New Jersey and not ready to parent? Are you too far along in your pregnancy for an abortion? Adoption is an option. Working with an adoption agency like Alliance for Children is a good place to start.

There are many reasons why women and teenagers choose adoption. Whether she is too young to have a baby or doesn't feel ready to parent from a financial or emotional standpoint, adoption may be a good option. Also, if she is too far along in her pregnancy for an abortion, adoption may be a good alternative.

We all have different wishes and needs and a good adoption plan should reflect this. For example, some adoptions are completely confidential and birth parent and adoptive parent information is kept private. The birth mother may choose, for example, never to meet.

Other adoptions may be "semi open". The birth and adoptive parents may choose to meet and share some information with one another - but not identifying information. They may know each others first names, for example, but not last names. They may share pictures of the child and letter updates, but they may choose not to meet again in person after the adoption.

Lastly, there are some adoptions where the birth and adoptive parents maintain an open relationship. They share identifying information and maintain an ongoing in person relationship. For example, a birth parent may have annual visits with the child.

There are many choices to be made, and a birth parent is encouraged to actively participate in the adoption process.

I work for an adoption agency in New Jersey named Alliance for Children. We also have offices in Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania, Florida and Texas. At Alliance, the first step in adoption is to speak with a counselor who will listen to your wishes and needs. A good counselor will help in the following ways:

explore adoption and the different options available,
consider your needs and which options are most viable,
help you decide which type of adoption is most comfortable for you,
offer you different adoptive families to consider,
help you make a plan for the hospital so that your preferences are known,
provide you with counseling before and after birth.

In a New Jersey adoption, a birth mother is requested to meet with a counselor at least three times before the adoption takes place. This is to make sure she knows her choices and she is prepared. In New Jersey, a birth mother is entitled to financial reimbursement for expenses that are reasonably related to the pregnancy. This is another way to help a birth mother considering an adoption plan.

If you are pregnant and adoption is a possible option, you should contact an agency to help you. You deserve the counseling support and care you will receive from Alliance. Reach out to Alliance at 877-402-3678 or www.allforchildren.org. Ask for Nancy. She is available to help you get started.

The Adoption Choice: Pregnant and Considering Adoption?

2011-08-11T23:44:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Pregnant and Considering Adoption?: "Are you pregnant and considering adoption? It is important to become educated in your options. Unlike the past, b irth parents are encoura..."

Pregnant and Considering Adoption?

2011-08-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

Are you pregnant and considering adoption? It is important to become educated in your options. Unlike the past, birth parents are encouraged to play an active role in making a personal adoption plan.

There are three basic choices:

Confidential Adoption
In a Confidential adoption, also referred to as a “Closed” adoption, there is total confidentiality and sealed records. No information is shared between the birth and adoptive parents. No relationship is established between the parties.
Semi Open Adoption
Semi open adoption involves a degree of contact between the birth and adoptive parents, but this contact is limited and involves the exchange of only non-identifying information (e.g., first names and the state/region in which they reside). The parties often communicate through an intermediary such as an adoption agency. Significantly, birth parents play an active role in selecting an adoptive family and receive pictures and letter updates through the agency. Thanks to technology advances, the parties may choose to stay connected through the internet in a non-identifying manner (e.g., creating a dedicated website with picture and video uploads of child milestones for birth parent viewing).
Open Adoption
Open adoption involves a degree of ongoing personal contact between birth parent(s), adoptive parent(s) and the child. It involves an exchange of identifying information between the parties (e.g., names, addresses, and phone numbers). The parties will determine the nature and extent of contact and this is often communicated and managed directly -- without the assistance of an intermediary.

Adoption today offers birth parents more choices than ever before. Making a personal adoption plan and playing an active role in selecting an adoptive family often leads to greater confidence and peace of mind.

If you are interested in learning more about adoption, contact Alliance for Children at 1-877-402-3678 and ask for Nancy (www.allforchildren.org).

Fresh Air Fund Looking for Host Families

2011-07-10T10:04:00.000-04:00

While this isn't something that I typically post about, it is certainly a worthy topic. Even though the Summer is in full swing, The Fresh Air Fund is still in need of 850 host families. Host families are volunteers who open their hearts and homes to children from the city to give them a Fresh Air experience that can change lives. It's only for up to two weeks, but it's an experience that can change their lives forever.

Visit the following link if you are interested:
http://freshairfundhost.org

NJ Legislation Allowing Access to Original Birth Certificates is on the Governor's Desk

2011-06-08T16:35:00.000-04:00

If you would like to help in the effort for enactment of the NJ legislation that would allow adopted adults access to a copy of their original birth certificates, a/k/a the Adoptees' Birthright Bill, it's on Governor Christie's desk and needs his response by June 23.

Letters (or messages) may be sent to:

Governor Chris Christie

P.O. Box 001

The State House

Trenton, NJ 08625-0001

http://www.state.nj.us/governor/contact/index.html

select "children and families", then "foster care and adoption"

Unplanned Pregnancy? Considering Whether to Parent or Not to Parent? Read On!

2011-05-11T13:41:00.000-04:00

Are you pregnant and interested in learning about the adoption process? The first of my 4-part series on adoption is being posted by phillyburbs.com (link below)!

In this blog post, I explain who are the pregnant women and teens considering adoption for their newborn babies. From a statistical standpoint, I explain that approximately 14,000 women choose adoption for their newborn infants in the U.S. each year (figure taken from Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, "Safeguarding the Rights and Well-Being of Birth Parents in the Adoption Process," Jan. 2007, p. 4). It is estimated that about one in four birth mothers are teenagers. The majority of the others considering adoption are single women in their 20s, who are recently independent from their parents, or single women, who already have children and do not believe they can parent another child. In most cases, the pregnancy is unplanned.

The next issue addressed in the blog is: Why is She Considering the Adoption Option? In the article, I explain that a birth mother typically chooses adoption because she feels it is in the best interests of her child. She may want to obtain a college education before starting a family. Or maybe she is a single mom who is financially strapped and/or already parenting children on her own. The circumstances of each adoption differ. However, in most instances adoption is chosen after available options have been explored and it is determined to be best for the child.

Are you facing an unplanned pregnancy? Trying to decide to whether to parent or not to parent? Do you fall into one or both of the categories outlined above? Please contact Alliance for Children today, now! Ask for Nancy - Alliance's Adoption Advisor - to get started. Alliance will provide options counseling and will be there to help you through this difficult decision making process.

Don't forget to visit www.phillyburbs.com to read the four part series on adoption. Check out the first segment here: http://www.phillyburbs.com/blogs/100_percent_preventable/to-parent-or-not-to-parent-part-i/article_bebdc00e-7b2a-11e0-8732-001a4bcf6878.html.

Google

2011-05-11T13:25:00.000-04:00

Google

The Adoption Choice: Adoption Statistics and the Importance of Counseli...

2011-03-23T11:07:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Adoption Statistics and the Importance of Counseli...: "First let's start with some statistics. Did you know that there are about 6 million pregnancies in the United States annually, and tha..."

Adoption Statistics and the Importance of Counseling Pregnant Teens and Women

2011-03-23T11:06:00.000-04:00

First let's start with some statistics. Did you know that there are about 6 million pregnancies in the United States annually, and that they result in approximately 4.02 million live births, 1.365 million births to single parents, 1.313 million abortions and less than 23,000 domestic adoptions. Of these figures, approximately 1 million teenagers will become pregnant in the U.S. each year. Of these, about 51% will give birth, 35% will have an abortion, 14% will miscarry, and less than 1% of these teenagers will choose adoption. Adoption statistics are not published often, so the statistics should be viewed as an approximation. Even so, this figure of about 23,000 domestic adoptions annually (I have heard that it is actually closer to 17,000) seems low. The reason, I believe, is poor counseling. If teens and women facing unintended pregnancies were to receive proper options counseling, including an education about adoption, they might choose adoption. This option is often not being fully explored.

The purpose of adoption literature is simply to educate. Adoption may not be the choice of some, but it may be the best option for others who are not ready or able to parent. As an adoption professional, I offer educational materials about adoption to various groups, including women's health clinics, pregnancy centers, hospitals and abortion centers. Can you imagine that some abortion centers will not even accept the literature? Women facing such critical decisions are not even presented the information. So much for fully informed decision making.

Many counselors who work with pregnant women and teens are ill prepared to address the topic of adoption. I have heard of instances where pregnant women have sought options counseling because of an unintended or difficult pregnancy and their counselors did not even mention adoption. The counselors simply handed them diaper bags with bottles and formula. The "options" part of "options counseling" was left out. Recently, I had the opportunity to meet with a counselor to discuss options counseling. After just 45 minutes, she thanked me and said she had not been taught this in graduate school. Another counselor admitted that she must have been taking the wrong continuing education classes because the topic of good options counseling was never explored.

In order to make a fully informed decision, a woman facing an unintended or difficult pregnancy should be educated in all of her options - including adoption. At a minimum, counseling should include information about adoption and the adoption process, an explanation of her legal rights and responsibilities, an assessment of her willingness to make an adoption plan without outside pressure or coercion, and an examination of the impact of her decision on herself, her child, her family and the father of her child ("birth father"). Good counseling should also include an exploration of her feelings about her pregnancy and adoption, her alternatives, relationships with her family and the birth father, her hopes and fears for the future, and her feelings about prospective adoptive parents. I should point out that many of the women considering adoption are also facing other difficulties in life. Counseling efforts should be made to explore these areas as well -- addressing her needs as a whole person. In doing so, she will be able to focus on future plans and positive outcomes.

It is significant to mention that counseling should be available before and after birth and that it should also include the birth father, if possible. By involving the birth father in the counseling process, any issues surrounding the parties' relationship may be resolved and an agreement may be reached as to a common plan for the baby - whether to parent or not to parent.

Through good options counseling, a woman considering adoption will be in a better position to make a fully informed decision. She may be ready and willing to take on the commitment of parenting. If, however, she finds herself unable or unwilling to parent this child, and if she is against abortion, adoption may be the best decision. She may then begin the process of making an adoption plan.

If you are interested in exploring your options, Alliance for Children is available to offer counseling. If you are interested in making an adoption plan, Alliance for Children is here to assist. Alliance for Children offers full adoption services, and has hopeful adoptive families who are pre-screened and approved from which to choose. Nancy is waiting to hear from you. She can be reached at 1-877-40-ADOPT or info@allforchildren.org. Visit Alliance's website at www.allforchildren.org.

Unplanned Pregnancy? Considering Adoption? Alliance for Children can Help

2011-03-22T14:04:00.000-04:00

Unplanned Pregnancy? Considering Adoption? Alliance for Children can Help

I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now....

2011-03-07T15:48:00.000-05:00

How many of us have heard B.O.B.'s song "Airplanes" featuring Eminem and Hayley Williams? The lyrics include the following:

"Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)"

At times I look up to the sky. I think the same thought. I could really use a wish right now .... I imagine that most of us have felt this way at times, especially when facing difficult choices. We have choices. But our ability to make choices is something else all together.

How does this relate to adoption? A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy may be looking up at that night sky. She may be cold and hungry and wishing for food and shelter. She may feel alone and be wishing for love and support. She may feel scared and confused and be wishing for guidance.

Honestly, if I could, I would wrap a blanket of stars around her. But a good adoption agency can step in and provide her with all of the support services she requires. Options counseling, financial assistance with basic needs (food, shelter, clothing), help applying for medical assistance and helping match with pre-approved hopeful adoptive families are just some of the services an agency provides. A good agency will hold her hand throughout the adoption journey (if that is her choice) and be supportive.

Alliance for Children (www.allforchildren.org) is such an agency, offering options, commitment and solutions. Reach out to Alliance and ask for Nancy. She is the Birth Parent Liaison. She can be reached at 877-40-ADOPT.

Adoption Perspectives of the Child, Birth Parent and Adoptive Parent

2011-01-18T13:23:00.001-05:00

I was swimming the other day. As I turned my head to take a breath I noticed that I could see the surface of the water from below. There were two worlds, the water world and the world above. I was in both worlds. I thought to myself ... this is similar to my adoption work where different worlds exist and I am involved in each. There is the world of the child, the birth parent and the adoptive parent. Ultimately, it is the responsibility of an adoption professional, such as myself, to recognize and respect the perspectives of each party and to consider them within the larger framework of finding a safe, loving home for the child.

Everyone needs to remember from time to time that there are different perspectives.

Within the adoption setting, here are some different perspectives. The birth mother, for example, wants to be respected as the parent of her child. She wants to know that her child will be raised in a loving family with all the security and care that she may not be able to provide at that time. She may be unable to parent her child, and the circumstances leading to her adoption decision may differ from those of the next birth parent. But in every adoption in which I have been involved, each birth mother has shared one thing: a love for her child.

The adoptive mother wants to be a parent and to expand her family. She wants to demonstrate that she is ready to be a parent and that she is able to provide the child with all of the love, stability and opportunity for the child to thrive.

The child too has a perspective. I typically work on cases involving the adoption of newborn babies. Though they cannot speak, I do believe that they are aware of all of the people and love surrounding them and of the path being set.

Of course, the birth father and adoptive father have perspectives similar to their counterparts.

Sometimes fear can creep into any situation and perspective is lost. It is a natural instinct.

Often, the first meeting between a birth and adoptive family begins kind of awkwardly. While the parties may be looking forward to the meeting and have so much to say, they may be quiet at first. But after the ice is broken, and I am known for some pretty good ice breakers, they remember what drew them to one another and they start to connect. I recall a birth mother joking to an adoptive mother about her nervousness -- she confessed to numerous outfit changes before their meeting. The adoptive mom laughed, and admitted to doing the same thing.

All right, it's 2011 and a new year. Well my goal is to keep perspective and to consider the perspectives of others. A good goal for now and always.

The Adoption Choice: Are You Single, Pregnant and Considering Adoption?...

2010-11-18T14:53:00.000-05:00

The Adoption Choice: Are You Single, Pregnant and Considering Adoption?...: "Are you single, pregnant and considering adoption? Please check out my new article: http://www.singlemom.com/LegalIssues/2010/Facing-an-Un..."

Are You Single, Pregnant and Considering Adoption?

2010-11-18T14:51:00.000-05:00

Are you single, pregnant and considering adoption? Please check out my new article:

http://www.singlemom.com/LegalIssues/2010/Facing-an-Unintended-Pregnancy-Considering-Adoption.aspx

Pregnant and Considering Adoption? Expense Reimbursement is Available

2010-11-12T12:30:00.000-05:00

Expense Reimbursement:

State laws vary regarding the type of financial assistance available to a birth mother. Typically, a birth mother may be eligible for reimbursement of pregnancy-related expenses incurred prior to and after the birth of her child. A good agency will review applicable state law with each birth mother to determine her eligibility for reimbursement.

Generally, a birth mother may seek reimbursement for the following adoption-related expenses:

· Medical, hospital, counseling, or other similar expenses incurred in connection with the birth or any illness of the child

· The reasonable living expenses of the mother of the child during her pregnancy, including the payments for reasonable food, clothing, medical expenses, shelter, and religious, psychological, vocational, or similar counseling services

· Reasonable attorney fees and costs for legal services.

Some states place limitations on the payment of birth mother expenses. For example, they may cap the amount recoverable or limit the time frame for which a birth mother may seek reimbursement (e.g., expenses may not extend beyond 4 weeks after the termination of the pregnancy, by birth or otherwise).

To learn more about expense reimbursement, and your rights, please reach out to Alliance for Children for assistance. Ask to speak with Nancy at 877-40-ADOPT, www.allforchildren.org.

The Importance of Counseling Before Making an Adoption Plan

2010-10-20T19:15:00.004-04:00

Are you facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering adoption? It is important that you receive ethical counseling where you explore all options before making a decision.

Working with an ethical agency is crucial. The agency you select should provide you with non-directive counseling. In other words, the agency should provide you with information about all options available and empower you to make the best decision possible.

Once you have been fully educated about your options, you will be in a good position to move forward with a plan. If you choose adoption, your counselor will help you make an adoption plan. There are many considerations when making an adoption plan, including:

what type of adoption interests you (e.g., an open adoption where you share identifying information with the adoptive family and have an ongoing relationship with them after birth or a semi-open adoption where no identifying information is shared and there is limited communication only through an intermediary);
what kind of adoptive family would you prefer (single parent, two-parent, heterosexual couple, same sex couple, a family of a particular race or religion?); and
what kind of hospital plan interests you (would you like the adoptive parents present at the birth, would you like to remain on the maternity floor after birth?)

It is important that you have a good working relationship with your agency worker, who will hold your hand through the adoption process.

Alliance for Children offers honest and caring social work services. The staff is dedicated to empowering you to make the best decision possible. Should adoption be the choice, Alliance assist you with all aspects of your plan. To speak with a birth parent counselor confidentially and at no cost, please call Nancy at 877-40-ADOPT.

Visit us online to see common birth parent questions at: http://www.allforchildren.org/domesticadoption.html.

Pregnant Service Women in the Military Considering Adoption

2010-10-10T00:04:00.001-04:00

Military policy dictates that pregnancy status will not adversely affect the career pattern of a service woman. By 1975, the Department of Defense (DOD) mandated the end of involuntary separations due to pregnancy.

It is the overriding interest of the military to safeguard the health of the pregnant service woman and the unborn child while maintaining optimum job performance as long as possible. Policies exist, for example, deferring pregnant service women from overseas duty if they are in advanced stage of pregnancy greater than 28 weeks and placing pregnant service women on light duty status at 36 weeks of pregnancy.

Pregnancy policies do vary, however, from one branch of the military to another. For example, Army regulations (Chapter 8 of AR 635-200) provide pregnant women with the option of remaining on active duty or separating. Soldiers are allowed up to 7 days to choose -- not later than 30 days prior to the expected date of delivery or the latest date the military physician determines the soldier can travel. In the Navy, a pregnant servicewoman may request separation from active duty; however, requests for separation will not normally be approved unless there are extenuating circumstances (SECNAV 100.10).

Upon medical confirmation of pregnancy, soldiers are counseled about options and responsibilities as a pregnant service woman. Some of these responsibilities may include: seeking confirmation of your pregnancy at a military medical treatment facility and providing notification as soon as possible, but no later than 2 weeks after the diagnosis of pregnancy.

If you are facing an unplanned pregnancy in the military and are considering adoption, Alliance for Children, a non-profit adoption agency, can provide assistance. It does not matter where you live in the United States, Alliance for Children can help you in the following ways:

Educating you about your options so that you can determine what is in the best interests of the unborn child
Counseling by our caring staff before and after birth;
Coordinating prenatal and post natal care; and
Helping you find a prospective loving adoptive family pre-screened and approved (with police and FBI clearances and approved home studies by licensed social worker).

All agency services to birth parents are confidential and free of charge.

Being stationed away from your loved ones while pregnant can be stressful to handle without a plan. The professional staff at Alliance for Children is supportive and respectful and can help. Please call 1-877-40-ADOPT to speak with a counselor or visit online at http://www.allforchildren.org/domesticadoption.html.

The Adoption Choice: Pregnant while Enlisted in the Military? Consideri...

2010-09-20T12:37:00.000-04:00

The Adoption Choice: Pregnant while Enlisted in the Military? Consideri...: "Enlisted in the Military and Pregnant? Considering Adoption? Have you tested positive on a pregnancy test? Do you want to learn more about..."

Pregnant while Enlisted in the Military? Considering Adoption?

2010-09-20T12:11:00.006-04:00

Enlisted in the Military and Pregnant? Considering Adoption?

Have you tested positive on a pregnancy test? Do you want to learn more about adoption?
According to the Army pregnancy counseling guide, after a positive pregnancy test, a Soldier will receive a pregnancy profile from a health care provider. The Soldier should give this profile to her commander because, according to the Army guide, the starting point for all pregnant Soldiers is pregnancy counseling by the company commander. It is recommended in the Army literature that a pregnancy counseling session take place as soon as possible after the unit is informed about a medically confirmed pregnancy test to avert misunderstandings, indecision, and potential problems.

Pregnancy counseling.
You do have options. You can parent or not parent. Adoption is an option if you choose not to parent. Alliance for Children is here to offer additional counseling, at no cost, to discuss your options. 1-877-40-ADOPT. Should you choose to move forward with adoption, Alliance can help you through the entire process.

Do you want to learn more about the adoption process?
Looking at an adoption flow chart is helpful.

Pregnant - Yes
Options Counseling* - Become Educated about your Options
Moving Forward? Make an Adoption Plan* (e.g., consider types of adoption - closed, semi-open or open?)
Moving Forward? Make a Hospital Plan* (e.g., where will you deliver?)
Moving Forward? Select an Adoptive Family and Become Matched* (based on your wishes)
Moving Forward? Baby is Born*
Moving Forward? Sign Relinquishment/Consent Paperwork*
Moving Forward? Termination of Parental Rights*

*Throughout the adoption process, counseling is available through adoption agency

Alliance for Children, www.allforchildren.org, is a full service, non-profit adoption agency available 24/7 (1-877-40-ADOPT) to offer guidance and support throughout the adoption process. See common questions asked by birth parents at: http://www.allforchildren.org/domesticadoption.html.

Marni - News

2010-08-04T13:10:00.000-04:00

Marni - News

The Rainbow Around the Corner

2010-06-16T17:01:00.000-04:00

Working in Adoption Today

People are often interested in learning about the adoption field. "How did you become involved?" I am often asked. I truly believe that most of the people who work in adoption do so because it is close to their heart. Adoption has always been part of my life, for example, given my personal history. Similarly, many people working in the field have been touched in some way by adoption.

Working in the adoption field is difficult at times, but the balance always tips in favor of "rewarding." There are often bumps in the road in an adoption, with challenges along the way. For example, incomplete paperwork can hault an adoption completely. But when an adoption journey is successful, there is a happiness and satisfaction that can hardly be described.

Some adoptions seem to involve the assistance of a higher power -- when the stars seem to line up and an adoption happens in spite of seemingly unsurmountable odds. It is on difficult days as an adoption professional that one has to remember those days of miracles, when little eyes smile at you. I don't know if this makes sense, but to me ... it does.

In any profession, there is the positive and the negative. It is important to remember on those challenging days that a rainbow is around the corner. Each day is an opportunity to help others, and for that, I feel honored.

Birth Parent Expense Reimbursement in Private Placement Domestic Adoption

2010-06-09T23:23:00.000-04:00

Today's topic -- birth parent expense reimbursement in private placement domestic adoption. People are often confused about birth parent expenses, for example ... what constitutes a birth parent expense? The most straightforward answer is that birth parent expenses are those expenses allowable by law which are reasonably related to pregnancy.

Birth parent expenses are regulated by state law, and these laws vary from state to state -- sometimes significantly. Most states have statutes that specify the type of birth parent expenses a prospective adoptive family is permitted to pay. That being said, it is important to determine what birth parent expenses are allowable.

By way of example, in New Jersey adoptive families are permitted to pay for the following expenses in a private placement domestic adoption:

Medical, hospital, counseling, or other similar expenses incurred in connection with the birth or any illness of the child
The reasonable living expenses of the mother of the child during her pregnancy, including payments for reasonable food, clothing, medical expenses, shelter, and religious, psychological, vocational, or similar counseling services
Reasonable attorney fees and costs for legal services

In accordance with New Jersey statute, payments for expenses cannot extend beyond 4 weeks after the child's birth. Similarly, in at least 17 states specify time limits for the payment of the birth mother's living expenses.

After considering what qualifies as a birth parent expense, the next question might be how an actual dollar amount is evaluated? In other words, how does one determine what specific amount will be allowable? In many cases, the standard applied is whether the expense is "reasonable and customary."

Sigificantly, in some states, the payment of expenses may not exceed a set dollar amount, unless an exception is granted by the court. For example, in Connecticut, the payment of expenses may not exceed $1,500.

It should be mentioned that many states require disclosure of all adoption-related expenses to the court that has jurisdiction over the adoption proceeding. In some states, receipts for all expenses paid must be attached to court documents and unaccounted for expenses may be disallowed.

Lastly, sometimes I am asked whether birth mothers are entitled to receive money for making an adoption plan. The answer is a solid NO. It is unlawful to accept payment for placing a child for adoption.

I hope this information is helpful. If you have any questions about this, I will do my best to answer. If you are interested in speaking with a counselor about making an adoption plan, please contact Alliance for Children's office at 1-877-40-ADOPT. To learn more, you may also visit www.allforchildren.org.

Marni

The Way We Speak About Adoption ... Are You PC?

2010-06-08T09:46:00.005-04:00

In an earlier post, I discussed the topic of appropriate adoption language, in other words what is PC in adoption. Recently, I was watching a television show about adoption and felt the urge to cringe several times because of the inappropriate comments unknowingly made on the show. I think many of these shows do hire consultants for this. Unfortunately, these people must not be familiar with appropriate adoption language.
Using accurate language is so important.

Less Appropriate vs. Appropriate Language
real parent, natural parent vs. birth parent
own child, real child, natural child vs. birth child
Adopted child, own child vs. my child
adoptee vs. person/individual who was adopted
illegitimate vs. born to unmarried parents
give-up vs. terminate parental rights
give away, place for adoption vs. make an adoption plan, choose adoption
to keep vs. to parent
adoptable child, available child vs. child in need of a family
adoptive parent vs. parent
an unwanted child vs. child in need of adoption
child taken away vs. court termination
handicapped child, hard to place vs. child who has special needs
is adopted vs. was adopted
giving away your child vs. choosing an adoption plan
putting your child up for adoption vs. finding a family to parent your child
keeping your baby vs. deciding to parent the child

Do the word choices feel different? The phrases included in the appropriate language column help to instill confidence and courage in everyone involved with an adoption. The others, well let's just say they are negative (at a minimum)!

Do you know someone who may benefit from knowing what is appropriate? Maybe you can print out this list and show them? It may save someone else from that cringing feeling.

All the best,
Marni

Adoption 101

2010-06-05T17:55:00.000-04:00

Fox 5 News Adoption Interview

2010-06-04T10:03:00.001-04:00

Good morning. Today I thought I would share my recent Adoption Interview on Fox 5 News. In the interview, I was asked about Sandra Bullock's adoption, and specifically, why it took four years for her to adopt. In the interview, I explained that adoption is a process with many steps.

Step One: Educate yourself on the different options available to you. For example, are you interested in working with an agency, or do you want to go through an attorney?

Step Two: Determine what type of adoption you are interested in pursuing. For example, are you interested in a semi-open adoption where you receive letters and updates through an adoption agency? Or are you interested in maintaining an ongoing relationship with the birth family?

Step Three: Successfully complete a home study, which includes satisfying all state requirements necessary to adopt.

Step Four: Outreach, outreach, outreach! This is important. Through outreach birth families interested in adoption are connected and ultimately matched to adoptive families.

Step Five: Placement and Post Placement Visits.

Step Six: Finalization of the adoption, which in and of itself is a legal process.

As you can see, adoption is truly a journey. For some it is long and for others it is short.

To watch my tv interview, please visit the link below:

http://dmmx2.nba.com:8080/nbae/footage/footage_denenberg_news_1500.wmv

Thanks.

Marni

Frequently Asked Questions from Birth Parents

2010-04-05T08:51:00.002-04:00

When considering adoption, there are many things to consider. Today, I will go through some of the frequently asked questions.

Why should we work with an adoption agency?
Working with an adoption agency is important. An agency can assist you with your pregnancy needs during pregnancy. An agency will provide counseling, help you choose an adoptive family (prescreened with state approval), assist you in making a plan for the hospital, and assist you with pregnancy related expenses, if needed, in accordance with applicable state law. Simply put, an adoption agency is there for you throughout the adoption process.
Can we choose a family for the baby?
Yes. Being involved in the selection of an adoptive family is encouraged by an agency. Birth parent input throughout the adoption process may lead to a more positive adoption experience. If birth parents are unable to choose a family, the agency will provide assistance or the birth parents may ask a friend, family acquaintance or someone recommended to them to assist the agency.
How can we be sure that the baby will be safe, and not abused or neglected?
Adoptive families approved by our agency must meet high standards demonstrating a stable home, with excellent personal references, employment verification, health and medical forms, and approved clearances by the state police and FBI.
When, after birth, will the baby go to the adoptive family?
This depends. The amount of time will vary based upon the birth parents' choice, the legal aspects of the adoption and the cooperation of all parties to the adoption. Many birth parents want the baby to be placed with the family when they leave the hospital.
Will we be able to see the baby in the hospital?
Yes. When working with an agency, birth parents will make a hospital plan setting forth their wishes and the amount of contact desired with the baby at the hospital.
What kind of contact may we have with the baby after adoption?
This depends on the type of adoption the birth parents seek - open, semi-open or closed. When working with an agency, this will be explored as part of the adoption plan.
In an open adoption, the amount of contact varies based upon the wishes of the parties. Significantly, the birth and adoptive families know identifying information about one another and manage their ongoing relationship outside of the agency.
In a semi-open adoption, the birth parents will receive from the agency ongoing updates and pictures for a specified time period. Significantly, the birth and adoptive families do not know identifying information about one another and the relationship is managed by the agency.
In a closed adoption, there is no ongoing contact and no information is shared.
Is adoption permanent?
Yes. The birth parents sign documents to terminate their parental rights. The court will review and approve the documents and the child will become a permanent member of the adoptive family.

Are you considering adoption? Would you like to further explore these questions and speak with a birth counselor? At Alliance for Children, a non-profit adoption agency, birth parent counselors are available to provide assistance throughout your pregnancy. All calls are confidential and available at no cost to birth parents. Please call 1-877-40-ADOPT, or email our birth counselor at info@allforchildren.org.

Understanding the Adoption Process

2010-04-01T07:50:00.002-04:00

Understanding the adoption process is the first step towards a successful adoption. As with anything else, it is important to have a full understanding of adoption and get educated before making such an important decision. Today I will set forth a flow chart to the best of my ability here - although I am not sure how friendly the blog will be towards creating one.

For Birth Parents:
Pregnant - No?
Yes?
Options Counseling - Consider your options of parenting or not parenting
Not parenting?
Work with an adoption professional - agency/attorney/social worker - to make an adoption plan
Receive ongoing counseling and make a hospital plan
Match with an adoptive family (through an agency)
Baby is born (sometimes this may happen before matching )
Still follow adoption plan? - No?
Yes?
Receive counseling after birth
Relinquish/Consent to Terminate Parental Rights
Termination of Parental Rights
Follow up Counseling

For Adoptive Parents:
Adopt - No ?
Yes?
Contact agency/social worker to gather information/research
Still wish to adopt?
Home Study - Paper work/Visits by agency - social worker/Background checks/Receive approval
Match with a birth family
Baby is born (sometimes this may happen before matching)
Still follow adoption plan?
Placement
Supervisory Visits by agency/social worker
Legal Process
Finalization
New Birth Certificate

As you can see, making an adoption plan is a thoughtful, involved process. If you feel pressured in anyway during the process, take a step back and re-evaluate. You should feel empowered throughout this process that you are making the best decisions possible under the circumstances.

If you are interested in exploring the adoption process with a birth counselor or adoption professional, Alliance for Children is available to help. Alliance has counselors available 24-7 and your conversations are strictly confidential. Phone: 1-877-40-ADOPT. Email: info@allforchildren.org.

Adoption Choices for Birth and Adoptive Families

2010-03-31T10:30:00.002-04:00

Today there are several choices available to birth and adoptive parents who are considering adoption. When working with an adoption agency, birth parents are encouraged to play an active role in choosing adoptive parents, who are carefully screened and approved after a detailed home study process. Birth parents should be presented with a number of prospective families by their agency and will often select the family which is the best match.

Let's discuss the basic choices:

Closed Adoption -
Kind of old school. This is an adoption with total confidentiality and sealed records. No information is shared and no ongoing relationship is established between the birth and adoptive family.
Semi-Open Adoption -
"Openess" refers to some degree of contact, whether it be a one-time meeting between the birth and adoptive families or yearly photos and letters exchanged through the agency. In semi-open adoptions, only non-identifying information is shared between the parties. The birth parents may be involved in selecting the adoptive parents, but may only know their first names and other non-identifying information. There is a level of comfort for the birth parents in seeing a face, knowing the adoptive parents parenting style, or simply knowing that the family enjoys certain hobbies like fishing or baseball. By providing birth parents with a window into the adoptive families world, it may make the decision to make an adoption plan less difficult.
Open Adoption -
Open adoption involves a degree of initial or ongoing contact between the birth and adoptive families. This may involve letters and/or email, to visits between the birth and adoptive families. Significantly, identifying information will be shared between the birth and adoptive families.

What is best? People ask me this all the time. I think this is a personal decision. Closed adoption, from my personal experience, is not the best option. Even without knowing my birth family personally, it would have been nice to grow up knowing my medical background information and heritage (with a semi-open adoption). As a child, it might have been confused knowing my birth family. But I wonder ... who is to say unless you live it. If everything is out on the table and accepted, which is easier today given the large numbers of blended families now, it might have worked out well. Again, as I mentioned, this seems to be a personal decision.

If you are considering adoption, think about what would work best for your family. There will be others who are like-minded. There is no need to compromise your needs and wishes. You should feel empowered by your decision making process and complete the adoption experience knowing that your best interests and those of the baby were met.

If you have any questions, please feel free to post. You can also speak with a birth parent counselor at Alliance for Children by contacting info@allforchildren.org or calling 1-877-40-ADOPT.

Expectant Mother Expenses

2009-11-10T16:01:00.006-05:00

Many expectant mother's ask the question: will my expenses during pregnancy be paid for by the adoptive parents? State laws vary on this subject. Generally, expectant mothers may receive reimbursement for pregnancy-related expenses. Many states do, however, place limitations on such reimbursement. For example, there may be a limit on the amount of coverage. Or the expectant mother may be able to claim expenses for a limited number of weeks after pregnancy. Please check with your adoption specialist to find out which expenses are covered in your state.

It is important to know that an expectant mother who accepts financial assistance with the good faith intention to make an adoption plan is not obligated to go through with a placement. She should in no way feel threatened or pressured into making an adoption plan.

If you are an expectant mother, be certain to understand your rights and responsibilities when working with your adoption professional. Knowledge will lead to better decision making, which is essential.

To speak with a birth parent counselor at Alliance for Children, please contact Stephanie at 1-877-40-ADOPT or info@allforchildren.org.

Any Adoption-Related Questions Today?

2008-06-05T16:39:00.007-04:00

Any one with questions about domestic adoption today? I would be happy to discuss the adoption process from the perspective of the expectant mother considering adoption -- including common questions, concerns and issues they face. In addition, I can offer the perspective of the adoptive parent. Please feel free to blog me.

If you would like to speak with a pregnancy counselor, please call 1-877-40-ADOPT. All calls are free and confidential. Visit the Alliance for Children website or email Alliance's birth parent counselor Stephanie directly at info@allforchildren.org.

Some Thoughts about the Pregnant Woman Considering Adoption

2008-05-19T23:28:00.007-04:00

Lately bloggers have expressed concern for the pregnant women making the decision to place her baby for adoption. First, it should be stressed that pregnancy counselors should provide non-directive counseling to the women they assist. Typically, a pregnant woman will contact an agency while considering her options. The agency's pregnancy counselor will present her with information about the adoption process. In addition, she will counsel her and discuss issues including feelings of loss. Fully informed decision making is essential for all parties to an adoption.

The woman choosing adoption typically does so after careful consideration of her options and out of concern for her baby. Her decision is often made because she thinks adoption is in the child's best interest. She deserves respect for her courage and the support of the people around her.

Do you have any any questions or concerns that you would like to discuss? Please feel free to blog me. In the alternative, you may contact one of Alliance for Children's adoption counselors at 877-40-ADOPT or info@allforchildren.org.

What We Say About Adoption and How We Say it Matters

2008-04-29T17:45:00.006-04:00

When you walk down the street in your community, I am sure you notice that many families today are "blended." Simply put, many American families are no longer the stereotypical mother, father and two biological children. Rather, today's family is often comprised of stepchildren, foster children, children who were adopted, single parents, same sex couples, and so on. To fully embrace today's family, it is necessary that we use appropriate, inclusive language that is supportive of the family. This may seem simple, and commonsense; however, myths and negative stereotypes continue to be associated with adoption.

When I go into a hospital to do an adoption training, one of the first things we discuss is accurate adoption language. People inadvertently make negative comments just because of a lack of knowledge. Let's consider different adoption language and the impact that they would have on a birth mother in the hospital who has chosen adoption.

A social worker approaches the birth mother in the hospital and asks, "You don't want to keep your baby?"

A social worker approaches the birth mother and asks, "You don't feel like you can parent your baby?"

Here is another example.

The social worker says, "Why do you want to give your baby away?"

The social worker asks, "Why do you want to make an adoption plan?"

Here is an example of a negative question asked to a child who was adopted:

The child is asked, "Where is your real mother?"

Ultimately, it is up to us to stop using negative adoption language that undermines the adoptive family. Simply put, we need to embrace all of today's families. What we say about adoption and how we say it matters.

Pregnant and Considering Adoption? Here are Some Questions to Consider.

2008-04-09T11:30:00.007-04:00

There are many important questions to ask yourself if you are pregnant and considering adoption. Some of those questions include:

What do I want out of my life for myself?
Can I handle a child and a job and/or school at the same time?
Have I managed school and/or job and other activities well in the past?
Am I ready to give up the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it?
An example of something I would have to give up by having a child with me is ...
Am I willing to cut back on my social life and stay home while my friends go out?
Would I miss my free time and privacy?
Can I afford to support a child?
Do I want to raise my child in the neighborhood I am living in now?
How might a child interfere with my growth and personal development?
How would parenting a child change my educational plan?
Am I willing to give a great part of my life -- AT LEAST 18 YEARS -- to be a responsible parent?
Do I like doing things with children?
Do I want my child to be like me?
Do I expect a child to make my life happy?
When I am around small children for a while, how do I feel after being around them?
Am I able to give the child the love he/she needs/deserves?
Am I patient enough to deal with the noise, confusion, and the 24-hour-a-day responsibility of having a child?
What kind of time and space do I need for myself?
What do I do now when I am angry or upset?
What would I do to a child if I lost my temper or became angry?
What does good discipline mean to me?
How would I discipline a toddler?
Do I get along with my family?
How would I take care of my child's health and safety?

These questions were printed from the National Council For Adoption's Consider The Possibilities Workbook, as excerpted in part from "Is Parenting for Me Now?," published by Loving and Caring, Inc.

If you would like to speak with a pregnancy counselor about adoption, please call 877-40-ADOPT. Alliance for Children has counselors available 24/7 -- all calls are free and confidential. Check our website www.allforchildren.org, or contact our birth parent counselor directly at info@allforchildren.org.

How Strong is your Interest in Adoption?

2008-04-02T14:47:00.004-04:00

While adoption is a time-honored practice, it is least often considered as an option by women facing unintended pregnancies. Interestingly, a well-known study of Dr. Mech, entitled the "Mech Adoption Interest Inventory," indicated that 40% of "pregnancy counselors" did not even raise the issue of adoption with pregnant clients. Further, the study found that of the 60% who raised the issue of adoption, 40% provided inaccurate or incomplete information. This simply must change. A woman facing an unplanned pregnancy is entitled to have knowledge of all available options, including adoption. This will help her to make a fully informed decision as to whether or not to parent.

Here are some of the findings of Dr. Mech's study of pregnant women, interviewed from health clinics:

43.82% would be interested in meeting with other girls who are pregnant to discuss how to make decisions about resolving a pregnancy.
14.81% would be interested in talking with other girls who have chosen adoption for their child.
19.13% might consider adoption if they thought it would help them finish school and get a job that they wanted.
31.48% might consider adoption if they thought their child would have a better chance in life with another family.
17.90% would be interested in talking with a family who had adopted a child.
21.60% would be interested in talking to someone who was adopted.
12.34% might consider adoption if they could meet the prospective adoptive parents.
19.13% might consider adoption if they could have a part in choosing the adoptive family.
12.96% might consider adoption if they could see their child once in a while.
17.90% might consider an adoption plan only if they could have information (pictures, progress report) of their child growing up and knew everything was all right.
14.81% might consider adoption if they thought in the long run it would help them reach their own vocational and career goals.
20.98% might consider adoption if they were sure that the adoptive family would give the child love, security and a good home.

What are your thoughts on these findings?

Birth Parent Questions and Concerns

2008-04-01T20:32:00.006-04:00

Are you considering adoption? Have some questions, some concerns? Adoption may not be the right choice for everyone, but in many cases birth parents believe adoption is in the best interest of their child. What are your thoughts?

Are you wondering ... "I could never give my baby away"

Keep in mind, adoption can be a courageous and unselfish decision.
With adoption, you are making a plan for the child's future, not abandoning the child.

Are you questioning ... "Can I handle being a single parent?"

Were you raised in a single household? What are the pros and cons?
How would single parenting affect your future goals?

Are you afraid, wondering ... "What if my baby ends up in a bad home, like the ones I hear about and see on TV?"

Adoptive parents are closely evaluated during the adoption process. More specifically, they undergo a rigorous home study process which includes background checks, personal interviews, the submission of personal and employer references and proof of financial stability, and home inspections.
Adoptive parents receive parent training during the home study process to educate themselves on adoption.
Did you know that many famous and successful people were adopted, such as Faith Hill, Reese Witherspoon, and former President Bill Clinton?
Did you know that you can help to choose the family who will parent your child? This would allow you to see what the child's environment would be like.

Are you thinking, "My family and friends don't want me to make an adoption plan"

Will your family and friends help you care for the child for the next 18 years? Why or why not?
What are the concerns of your family and friends?
Do you agree with their concerns?

Are you hoping, "I am going to have a relationship with the father of the baby"

What is the status of the relationship?
Has he been helpful to you during your pregnancy?
Does he have other children? Does he have a relationship with those children?
Do you have plans to get married?

Are you concerned, "My child will hate me"

Why do you think your child will hate you?
What can you do to make sure your child knows how much you care about and love them?
What would be your reasons for choosing adoption? Do you feel these things show that you hate your child? What if your child could know the reasons you chose adoption?

These are just some common thoughts and concerns of birth mothers considering adoption. Only you can decide if adoption is the best option for you and your baby. Certainly, in many instances it is worth considering.
If you would like to speak with a live pregnancy counselor, available 24/7, confidential, and free of charge, call Alliance for Children at 877-40-ADOPT.

2008-03-31T18:22:00.004-04:00

Today I’ve been emailing with some single women who are pregnant. Unfortunately, they seem to share similar concerns resulting from a lack support during their pregnancies. By support, I mean financial and emotional support from their boyfriend/partner, or more commonly ex-boyfriend/ex-partner, family and friends. For others reading this blog, and who are also facing these issues, please remember that what matters most is your health and the health of your baby. It is important that you reach within and be strong.

There are resources available. You do not have to go through this alone. If you are thinking about your options (some of the women were thinking about abortion), please remember that there is another option -- adoption.

If you are interested in learning about adoption, I would be happy to answer your questions. Or, you can call Alliance for Children to speak with a live pregnancy counselor. Stephanie can explain the process and you can decide if adoption is the best choice. Pregnancy counselors are available 24/7, the cost is free, and the conversation is 100% confidential. They can be reached at 877-40-ADOPT.

Don’t forget, you can also email me.

Please keep your chin up and be proud!

Confused, Need Help?

2008-03-26T21:51:00.004-04:00

Thinking about how someone feels when they are confused, disappointed in a situation, or afraid. Certainly, we have all been there. It is not the best feeling. In fact, it can be pretty difficult. At times like this, many people want to be alone. Often times, being alone is not the best answer.

The best answer: seek to empower your self. Lift yourself up, get educated and get help, if necessary. Reach out. As one yoga instructor told me, "Keep up and you will be kept up."

How does this relate to pregnancy and adoption? Many women facing unintended pregnancies struggle with their situation, the lack of support they are receiving from their family and friends, as well as with the decision of whether or not to parent. They have difficulty considering the adoption option, equating adoption with negative thoughts and feelings. What should she do? At first a birth mother may deny that she is pregnant to cope with her situation. Remember denial simply means delaying decisions. What should she do instead: Acknowledge her true situation and get educated!

Many women do elect the adoption option and feel right about the decision throughout their lives. Adoption should be considered carefully and without pressure. By taking control of her decision herself, a birth mother often feels empowered by it. If she chooses adoption, a birth mother can play an active role in the process of selecting a loving family for her child and, ultimately, feel proud of herself for making a positive choice.

Are you pregnant and looking for help? Talking with an adoption counselor about adoption may be helpful in considering all of your options. Alliance for Children offers free, confidential counseling, 24/7, at 1-877-921-1102.

Hope this helps.

M.J.

Time Line of Adoption in the United States

2008-03-25T20:37:00.004-04:00

I thought it would be interesting to set forth the adoption history of the United States.

1851 The first adoption statute was passed in Massachusetts

1854-1929 "Orphan Trains" - Brought 150,000 children from urban areas in the East to rural areas of the Midwest and West. These children were literally put up on a platform at the stations so that the local folks could see which children they might want to adopt.

1930-1940 Great Depression, World War II, and start of the Baby Boom - Adoption becomes a more private matter, with private adoption agencies rising to the fore

Adverse social circumstances became the main reason women considered adoption (as opposed to ill-health or poverty)
Confidentiality was a chief factor for women considering adoption
Removing the stigma of illegitimacy from adopted children
Recognition of the permanency of the adoptive family
Sealed original birth certificates

1951 34,000 adoptions

1971 90,000 adoptions

1975 Fewer than 48,000 adoptions

Legalization of abortion
Shift of societal attitudes about single parenting

1965-Present Critical need for permanent families for children

Adoption had to adapt itself to new social forces
Women's independence
Challenges due to lack of adequate information and support to a single parent
Need of the pregnant woman to make informed decisions about parenting

Present Fewer than 21,000 adoptions of domestic newborn infants by unrelated parents

What are your thoughts about this timeline of our adoption history within the United States?

This information was made available by the National Council for Adoption.

Meeting Adoptive Parents

2008-03-21T13:54:00.005-04:00

Last night I co-hosted a training for potential adoptive parents. It was early in the process for the prospective parents. Many were considering adoption after struggling with issues of infertility. Attending such a training is actually a big deal for them. When crossing the bridge from infertility to adoption, they are accepting their infertility and inability to produce a genetic child.

At trainings like the one last night we discuss the adoption process. This process is quite a journey for adoptive parents. Let me explain.

Adoptive parents working with an adoption agency are required to satisfy a list of agency requirements demonstrating that they would be good parents, able to provide a stable home filled with love and opportunity. They must undergo a home study process, where a licensed social worker interviews them extensively about their backgrounds, their lifestyle and reasons for adopting. The adoptive parents have to undergo criminal background checks and fingerprinting. They must submit financial documentation showing they are financially stable and references from work colleagues and personal contacts to speak of their character. They must, at least at Alliance for Children, undergo a minimum of 10 hours of adoptive parent training to educate them about the issues faced by children who were adopted. And after satisfying all of these requirements, the adoptive parents must wait, and wait some more, to be selected by a birth mother making an adoption plan.

Understanding the adoption process, from the perspective of the adoptive parent, is important. It should give the birth mother some relief to know that adoptive parents at a reputable adoption agency are carefully screened. In addition, it demonstrates the great lengths to which an adoptive parent will go in effort to become a parent. If such care and effort is given to become a parent, one can only imagine the amount of care that will be provided to their child in the future.

Do you have any questions about working with adoptive parents? If so, please email me. In the alternative, you may call an Alliance for Children counselor directly (at no charge) 24/7 at 1-877-40-ADOPT.

All the best,

Marni

A Friend to Hold Your Hand

2008-03-19T10:51:00.004-04:00

In yesterday's blog, I set forth reasons why working with an adoption agency is a good choice for pregnant women considering adoption. Services provided by a good adoption agency typically include:

24-hour Telephone Service -- an experienced counselor should be available to talk with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, about your pregnancy and the adoption option.
Financial Assistance -- expenses, as allowed by state guidelines, can be provided to assist you during the time of your pregnancy.
Medical Expense Assistance -- eligibility for medical insurance or public assistance may be assessed and in many cases obtained. You will not be responsible for any medical expenses.
A Personalized Adoption Plan -- an agency will help you create a personalized adoption plan centering around your needs and wishes.
Choice of Pre-Screened Adoptive Parents -- you can choose the adoptive parent(s) you want to adopt your baby. All adoptive parents have been pre-screened and have met high standards of a stable home.
Post-adoption Support -- an agency provides counseling after the birth and adoption, if desired.

Working with a good agency offering these services is crucial. On the flip side, the birth mother who does not receive such services may have a very difficult, lonely adoption experience.
Personally, my birth mother did not work with an adoption agency when making my adoption plan. It was a private adoption at birth through lawyers. From what I understand, my birth mother hid her pregnancy for quite a while, and then was hidden at home by her old-world parents once she started showing. And then there is the dreaded truth that my birth mother was actually made to sit in the attic when company was over -- so the "family secret" would not be revealed. It makes me want to cry for her. And I do.
Had she worked with an adoption agency, who was sensitive to her needs and supportive of her situation, things could have been easier for her (during a dark time). Working with an agency could have empowered her to demand the respect she deserved.
If you would like to speak with a pregnancy counselor about adoption Alliance for Children provides all the services listed above. Just call 1-877-40-ADOPT -- it's free, confidential and available 24/7.
Best to you!

Working with an Adoption Agency

2008-03-18T14:46:00.003-04:00

Working with an adoption agency can be very rewarding for a woman considering adoption. Why? The short answer: an adoption agency will hold your hand through the entire adoption process. Now, let me explain in greater detail why this is important.

In many instances, a woman considering adoption has many issue to address. She wants to understand adoption -- the permanency of adoption and the different types of adoption (open, semi-open or closed). She may need help obtaining medical insurance. She may need expense assistance. She may simply want someone to talk with and support her -- in a non-judgmental, non-directive way. She may want help in locating a loving family looking to adopt. A good adoption agency can provide all of this.

A good adoption agency shall provide information to a pregnant woman so that she is better equipped to determine what is in her best interest, and the best interest of the baby. The agency will step in and help a pregnant woman through a difficult time, especially when she lacks the support of family and friends.

For these reasons, and more, agency arranged adoption is a great choice. If you would like to speak with a pregnancy counselor, Alliance for Children has counselors available, at no cost, 24/7, at 877-40-ADOPT.

Please feel free to email me any questions you may have.

:) Marni

The Adopted Child's Knowledge of Birth Parents

2008-03-17T13:32:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I shared my personal background with you all. I talked about the fact that I was adopted at birth, and did not have any information about my birth parents. I sought to locate my birth parents as an adult in order to find out my medical background, and also to satisfy a greater need to know where I came from and the circumstances of my adoption. My birth mother Brigitte was no longer alive, but my birth father is here and remains somewhat present in my life. He pops in and out every few months to check in. In yesterday's blog I discussed my belief that adoptive parents and birth parents are connected through their child and should not fear one another. At least in my case, I feel lucky to have more people in this world who love me.

Those interested in adoption often ask me what kind of adoption works best -- open, semi-open or closed adoption. This is a difficult question to answer, as I think it is very personal. What works best for one person may not be best for another. From my experience, I think no knowledge is difficult for a child who was adopted. I recall looking in the mirror as a kid and wondering ... where do I come from? Then again, I'm not sure how I would have processed information about my birth parents when I was a child. For example, knowledge of my birth mother's death would have been devastating to me. That being said, I am glad to have found out my background once I was grown up, with a solid foundation under my feet. In response to the initial question of what kind of adoption works best, I would have to say that semi-open adoption would have worked better for me than closed adoption.

I hope my experience is helpful to anyone considering adoption. Please feel free to contact me with your questions. Or, you may call one of the pregnancy counselors at Alliance for Children-- it's free, they are available 24/7, and all calls are confidential. Please call 1-877-40-ADOPT.

The Birth Parent and Adoptive Parent Connection

2008-03-16T08:48:00.007-04:00

This past weekend I met woman who adopted a little girl at 5 months of age. That little girl is now almost ten years old, and she has started asking her mother questions about her birth mother:

Why did she give me up? Did she love me? I don't understand.

The adoptive mother shared this with me, experiencing a sense of panic. She wanted my advice, given that I too was adopted. Although not everyone has the same opinions when it comes to this subject, or any subject for that matter, I will share my response with you.

But first, let me share some of my personal background with you. I was adopted at birth. It was a closed adoption, meaning that I never knew anything about my birth parents. I was raised in a loving home with two parents and two siblings, neither of whom were adopted. As an adult, I chose to seek out my birth parents. It was not to "replace" my adoptive parents. On one level it was to find out my medical history, on another it was to "fill in the blank" as to my background.

I signed up with a national computer registry -- The ALMA Society in New York -- and received a call from its director just two weeks later. Good news and bad. They had made a match. The bad news: my birth mother Brigitte was now deceased. The good news: my aunt (her sister) was looking for me. Since then, I have learned all about Brigitte from my aunt, who is one of my dearest friends on this earth. Through her, I also located my birth father Len. He too has become dear to my heart. Our relationship is not well-rounded, however, as he still remains too scared (and it has been 10 years since we have met) to tell his wife and three children about me. But I love him and accept the fact that whether he tells them about me is his life issue and really has nothing to do with me.

My adoptive mother is happy for me that I have made a connection with my birth family. My adoptive father is not. Let's just leave it at that.

That being said, I feel that my birth parents and adoptive parents are all of my parents. I am connected in some way to all of them. They have all had a hand in my creation, and I honor them all. I feel lucky to know that there are more people in this world who care about me. I was not looking to replace my adoptive parents, and wish that my father would not feel threatened by my birth father.

Going back to my discussion with the adoptive mother, who was feeling threatened, I explained to her my feeling that birth parents and adoptive parents are all on the same team. That being said, I am not advocating for a certain type of adoption -- open, semi-open or closed adoption. That is a personal decision. What I am saying is that birth and adoptive parents need not be opponents -- they are connected through the creation and raising of a child, and there is nothing more powerful than that.

Would you like to share your view or ask me a question about this? Please do.

:) M.J.

Birth Parent Concerns and Fears About Adoption

2008-03-12T19:51:00.009-04:00

A new report by Charles T. Kenny, entitled "Birthmother, Goodmother" sought to find out birth mothers' negative attitudes and fears regarding adoption, as well as how birth mothers resolved these feelings and beliefs, ultimately enabling them to choose adoption.

What are the Concerns?

Birth mothers expressed a concern about how their children will feel about having been placed for adopted. They asked themselves:

Will their children view their decisions as rejection?
Will they feel they were abandoned and unloved by their mother?
Will they in turn reject and disrepect their birth mothers?

Birth mothers expressed concerns about the adoptive parents. For example, they were concerned as to whether the adoptive parents would be loving providers for their children.
Birth mothers expressed fears of loss. They feared losing the opportunity to be mothers, and a sadness at missing out on important milestones in their children's lives (such as a child's walking for the first time, first day of school, and graduation).
Birth mothers expressed fears of what family members, peers and the community would think about their choosing adoption.
Birth mothers struggled with a fear of being financially incapable of affording housing, clothing, food and childcare if they choose to parent.
Birth mothers expressed fears regarding their ability to emotionally nurture their children -- they worried that they were not emotionally stable enough to care for their babies.
Birth mothers feared that single parenting would change their identities and futures -- such as the fear of not being able to accomplish educational and career goals (and putting dreams and plans aside for a low-wage job).
A Positive Resolution
Significantly, the report also addressed birth mothers' resolved feelings and beliefs about adoption enabling them to choose adoption. The report indicated that after working through their fears and concerns, birth mothers choose adoption because they believe that it is in the best interests of their children. They realize, according to the report, that adoption is not abandonment. Rather, they see it is a loving and responsible act. And, thus, it stated that birth mothers believe that in choosing what is best for their children, they are good mothers.
The report indicated that when birth mothers realize that they can influence the selection of the adoptive parents, they are much more comfortable with adoption. Getting to know the adoptive parents, through files or maybe in-person meetings (if so desired), has helped birthmothers to feel more confident about the adoptive parents ability to love their children.
Conclusion
Ultimately, "Goodmother, Birthmother" reported the following birth mother feelings and beliefs:

"[T]hey redeem themselves, transforming their mistakes into
positive outcomes. ... Adoption allows them to recover their
self esteem, restore their identity and renew their dreams and goals. Believing that the decision means that they
are good mothers. birthmothers are able to feel right about the decision and have confidence in it, even when pain or regret arise. The support of family and friends in the decision adds to the birthmothers' resolve about choosing adoption."
What are your thoughts on this report? Please feel free to email me.

Alliance for Children is here to help. Please call 1-877-40-ADOPT, or email us at info@allforchildren.org.

Thoughts from the Maternity Wing

2008-03-11T09:31:00.008-04:00

In my last blog, I mentioned how there are people who want to help. People working in the adoption field do their work because they want to make the difference in the lives of others -- including a pregnant women who needs help, a child starting his/her life journey and others who want to parent. Adoption specialists are here for all of these parties to the adoption "triad."

In addition, there are others who become involved in an adoption simply because of the nature of their work. Nurses and social workers become involved in any birth and possible adoption within their hospital. This can be good. This can be bad. The question becomes: Is this an adoption-friendly hospital? Let me explain by example.

A few summers ago, I worked with a birth mother who delivered her baby in a Pennsylvania hospital. She was single, providing for two teen-aged daughters on her own, working for minimum wage and living at home with her mother. Her pregnancy was the product of rape. She received counseling and believed she was unable to parent the baby. She made an adoption plan and selected adoptive parents. At the time of the birth, the adoptive parents were present.

A hospital nurse approached the adoptive parents while they were standing alone and advised them: the birth mother was not "giving her baby away" and they should leave the hospital immediately. In tears, the adoptive parents left. The nurse then went into the hospital room and began yelling at the birth mother to parent the baby. The birth mother, who was strong in mind and confident in her decision, sent the nurse out of the room. The birth mother had not changed her mind; this was the work of the nurse alone. The adoptive parents came back to the hospital and the adoption went forward. A complaint was made to the hospital about the incident, and the nurse was fired.

This is a hospital horror story. I imagine that every adoption specialist has had a similar experience.

On the flip side, there are hospital workers who are very sensitive and receptive to patients needs. Their focus is on the best interests of their patients (mother and child), rather than their own agenda. Most hospitals today are striving to do better. Even those who are "adoption-friendly" want to do better, through the re-evaluation their policies and procedures and by providing better services for their patients. As a result, hospital horror stories will become less common and a thing of the past.

Pregnant women and teens considering adoption deserve to receive the highest level of care not only by adoption specialists, but from everyone. Have you had an experience you would like to share? Please do.

Would you like to talk with a pregnancy counselor? Someone who wants to help? Alliance for Children (www.allforchildren.org) has counselors available to speak with you 24/7 -- at no cost to you. And all calls are confidential. If so, please call: 1-877-40-ADOPT. You may also email our birth parent counselor at info@allforchildren.org.

An Inspiring Quote

2008-03-10T13:24:00.004-04:00

A friend of mine keeps an inspiring quote on the bottom of her emails. It reads as follows:

"I'm only one. But still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still, I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step."

In the spirit of this quote, it is important to remember that there are people who want to help. It seems that most people in the adoption field want to help. People don't enter this field to make a ton of money -- as it is non-profit work. People enter this field because they want to help. They want to make a difference.

I recently was involved with an adoption of twins. They were adopted by a wonderful family after a very rough start at life (they were born premature, with a drug addiction). The sense of joy I felt after that adoption is immeasurable. For these babies are healthy, living in a loving and stable home. This is why we do what we do. It is an honor.

So, if you need help, please know that people are there to support you. Are you pregnant? Confused? Need someone to talk with? You can email me here, or you can call one of the pregnancy counselors at Alliance for Children at no cost. They are available all the time - 24/7. And all calls are confidential: 877-40-ADOPT.

All the best,

M.J.

A Recent Adoption

2008-03-07T10:43:00.003-05:00

I recently worked on an adoption at a local hospital. I would like to share some thoughts about it with you.

In the beginning, I met with the birth mother to talk about her pregnancy and reasons for considering adoption. She was in her 20s, married and pregnant with her third child. She explained that one of her children has severe medical issues, and she did not think they could properly parent another child at this time. She asked about different types of adoption and thought that she and her husband would be happy with a semi-open adoption (where they would choose the adoptive family -- after reading non-identifying information about them --and would receive photos and updates from the adoption agency thereafter). Once the birth mother was certain that this was the best decision, she filled out paperwork ... and more paperwork.

Next, the birth mother was presented with letters (known as profiles) from prospective adoptive parents. The profiles provided her with a glimpse into the world of each potential parent -- with pictures of themselves, their extended families, their homes. In the profiles, the potential parents provided information (non-identifying) about their lives, their beliefs, their dreams of parenthood, etc .... After spending time reading all the profiles, the birth mother selected a potential family.

At that point, we contacted the family and advised them that they were selected. Within 12 hours, the adoptive parents were waiting in the hospital to meet the birth mother and child (such a meeting between adoptive parents and birth parents does not always occur, it depends on everyone's wishes). First, the birth mother met the potential parents. They all had a nice meeting, and felt very comfortable with one another. The birth mother confirmed that this was the family she wanted to adopt the child. With this approval, the adoptive parents met the baby. I left the hospital room to give them some privacy. When I peeked my head back into the room, they smiled. All was well. They were already in love with this little baby.

The birth mother was discharged from the hospital later that day. The baby went home with his new adoptive parents. The agency remains available to speak with the birth mother.

Today, everyone is doing well. The birth mother receives updates from the adoption agency, and the baby is thriving in his new home.

What are your thoughts on this adoption experience? Do you have an experience to share?

Did you see the movie "Juno" ?

2008-03-06T14:47:00.005-05:00

Did any of you see the movie "Juno"? I just saw it and thought it was terrrific. It was about a teen facing an unplanned pregnancy. She looked in the Yellow Pages or was it classified ads and connected with a family looking to adopt. There were twists and turns to the story, some very funny and others sad, ultimately leading to a single parent adoption.

I know it was "just a movie," but what struck me in the movie was the birth mother's strength and support system (both a father and quirky stepmother who stood by her) throughout her pregnancy.

Some birth mother's do have this internal strength and external support system; however, many do not. Sometimes birth mothers hide their pregnancies from their families and friends for as long as possible -- in some cases for the entire pregnancy. Fortunately, there are resources available to help women facing an unintended pregnancy. Especially when birth mothers are not sharing the news about their pregnancies, seeking outside help may be very important for them and the unborn child.

Working with an adoption agency may be valuable for birth parents in need of assistance -- whether it be counseling, help getting medical insurance and expense assistance (where allowable by state law), as well as help in selecting an adoptive family. An agency can hold your hand through the entire adoption process, without judgment.

At Alliance for Children there are birth parent counselors available to help birth parents, at no cost to them, 24-7. Please call 1-877-40-ADOPT.

Do you have any thoughts on the movie "Juno"? I would be very interested in hearing them.

Barriers to Adoption

2008-03-05T22:02:00.005-05:00

Interestingly, the National Council for Adoption published a study in 2007 which set forth the main barriers to consider adoption, as reported by birth mothers (note that there was no particular order):

How can I "give away" my child?
By choosing adoption, doesn't that make me an unloving or incompetent mother?
Won't the child feel as if his/her mother abandoned and rejected him/her and won't his self esteem be negatively affected?
The adoptive parents might not love the child the same way as I could.
Fear of the intense pain associated with relinquishment.
Won't other people think poorly of me if I choose adoption?

The same NCFA study found that women also have similar questions about the option of parenting:

Am I ready/mature enough to parent a child?
Will I be able to provide a stable "mother and father" family to my baby?
Won't other people look down on me for being a single mother?
Will I be able to provide for myself and my child?
Will I be able to emotionally nurture a child?
What if I lose my identity and vision for my future by taking on the responsibility for a child?

According to the study, those who ultimately chose adoption said the feelings and beliefs that enabled them to choose adoption and feel good about it were the following, which are listed in no particular order:

That it was her decision that she reached voluntarily without being coerced or tricked.
The conclusion that adoption was best for the baby.
Being able to select the adoptive parents.
The belief that she was being a "good mother" by choosing adoption and ensuring that her child was with a good family.
By making an adoption plan, it enabled her to regain some measure of control of her life.
By making an adoption plan, it enabled her to redeem a "mistake" by turning something negative into a positive.
The adoption decision was something that she was able to reconcile with her family and her community.
A belief that God was working in every one's life.

How do you feel about the findings in the NCFA study?

Interesting Adoption Facts

2008-03-04T22:25:00.006-05:00

The U.S. Census Report of 2000 on Adoption Data (www.census.gov/prod/2003pubs/censr-6.pdf) provides current information on adoption patterns within our country:

1.7 million households report having adopted children under the age of 18 years of age
13% of these children were adopted from other countries
42,000 families report having adopted children less than one year old (this includes domestic, familial, and international adoption)

According to the National Council for Adoption's analysis in Factbook IV:

There were 130,269 annual adoptions in the U.S. in 2002
76,013 were unrelated adoptions of American children (by people not related to the child)
52,136 of the 76,013 were adopted from public agencies, the majority of which were older children and those with special needs
22.291 were adoptions of healthy infants (under the age of 2) of all races and ethnic backgrounds
Domestic unrelated infant adoptions continue to decline from 1996
52,256 children were adopted by relatives or stepparents in 2002
There were 21,495 international adoptions by Americans in 2005 (according to the U.S. State Department)

What are your thoughts on these statistics? Why do you think the number of domestic newborn infant adoptions have declined? Do you think a birth mother faces more barriers to considering adoption today?

In my next blog, I will address some of the barriers to considering adoption.

Choosing Adoptive Parents

2008-03-02T12:16:00.005-05:00

Let's discuss the selection of adoptive parents. Assuming that you have chosen adoption for your child, you may want to consider what characteristics are important to you in selecting adoptive parents.

An adoption agency screens potential parents in advance, to ensure that they are good, honest, mature people with a firm commitment to providing a healthy, happy life for the child. To accomplish this, the agency uses a process called a "home study." They undergo extensive interviews, submit character and employment references, and permit a physical examination of the home in which the child would be raised. Some agencies, such as Adoption House International, require even more from potential parents -- requiring potential parents to complete 10 hours of parent training as part of the home study process. This process ensures that potential parents meet your expectations of "good parents."

Once the home study is complete, and the potential parent(s) approved, they will prepare a "Dear Birth Mother" letter or "Profile" for birth parents to consider. This document is important, as it will be shown to you for your consideration. You can learn about different potential parents by reading these documents and finding out about the people who want to raise the child. You can choose the family with whom you are most comfortable.

Here are some questions for you to consider in selecting adoptive parents:

Do you believe the child should have both a mother and a father?
If so, do you believe it is important for the mother and father to be married?
Would you be comfortable with a same sex couple raising the child?
Do you think one of the parents should be a "stay at home" parent or do you think both should work?
Does it matter to you what income level the adoptive family has? If so, what is your preference?
Is the age of the adoptive parents important to you? If so, what is your preference?
Do you think it is important for the child to be raised in a family with a strong religious faith? If so, do you have a preference for the religious faith?
Do you think it is important for a child to have brothers and/or sisters?
Are there certain interests that you believe add to a child's experience in a family (music, art, sports, politics, etc.)?
Are there other issues that are important to you in the selection of a family for the child?

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns about the home study process or choosing the adoptive parents.
Some questions and guidance for this post were inspired by the National Council For Adoption's Discussion Guide for the Selection of Adoptive Parents.

Alliance for Children can help you with the adoption process. Please call 1-877-40-ADOPT.

Things to Know about Parents Facing Their Child's Unintended Pregnancy

2008-02-27T22:46:00.004-05:00

The National Council for Adoption published in its training handbook an article written by Jayne E. Schooler, entitled "Six Things to Know about Parents Facing Their Child's Unintended Pregnancy." The article lists the following six things:

Parents experience a number of painful and confusing emotions, including feelings of failure and guilt (e.g., if only they had done something to prevent the situation or had been better parents), feelings of anger, and feelings of deep sadness and loss for themselves and their child (e.g., their daughter's life dreams may be viewed over, along with the loss of joy at watching a high school or college education).
Their daughter or son is often journeying into unknown territory, and their parents role in response and support is critical (e.g., they may be influential in the decision-making process regarding the future of the unborn child).
Parents may deal with this family "crisis" in different ways -- potentially leaving one parent feeling alone and unsupported (e.g., mothers of pregnant young women have felt caught in the middle between her hurting, frightened child and a hurting, angry father).
Parents will need to find a balance between supporting their pregnant teen and handling responsibilities over them (e.g. how much support is enough? some parents take over all decision-making, while others leave their teen to handle the situation on her own).
Parents and their pregnant teen will need to answer -- Who to Tell? When to Tell? (the decision of who to tell, and when to tell, is often overwhelming to parents).
Parents have the gift of time (it is important for parents to take the time necessary to wait and not react immediately to the intense emotions and feelings that come -- talking to other families with similar experiences as well as finding support with family and friends will allow them to work through the decisions to be made).

How do you feel about the difficulties faced by the parents of pregant teens?

In my personal experience, the pregnancy of my birth mother (who was only 18 when she got pregnant with me) was hidden by her parents. They didn't tell family or the closest of friends because they felt ashamed. When my birth mother was far along, they literally hid her upstairs when company was over to avoid judgment. The thought of her treatment pains me deeply. It is my hope that parents reading this story will realize that such treatment -- based upon fear of judgmental reactions -- is just wrong. Years later, my birth mother's mom told her best friend about my birth -- to which her best friend responded: "How could you keep that secret from me? We would have adopted her and she would have been raised in the family." Talk about life-changing circumstances ... decision-making .... The future relationship of parents and their teens, as well as the future of the unborn child, are certainly affected by way they handle the unintended pregnancy.

Do you have any stories you would like to share?

Adoption Q and A

2008-02-23T18:29:00.003-05:00

Adoption Q and A

Who can place a child for adoption? Any person or organization having the right of consent to a child may place that child for adoption. This would include birth parents or the child's legal guardian or guardian ad litem, as well as organizations such as the Department of Social Services or child placing adoption agencies.
What is an agency adoption? In every state, a state agency or licensed private child placement agency may complete an adoption. In a newborn infant adoption, the birth mother usually consents to the termination of her parental rights and transfers those rights and custody of the child to the agency for the purpose of adoption. The child remains in the custody of the agency until placement with the adoptive parents. The agency will obtain consent to terminate the birth father's rights where possible. When the agency is unable to locate the birthfather, or if the birth mother refuses to name the birth father, the agency shall move for an involuntary termination.

Do you have any adoption questions you would like me to answer? Please post your questions and I will do my best to answer them.

Adoption Definitions

2008-02-22T10:46:00.005-05:00

While this may seem simple to some, many people are unfamiliar with adoption terminology. With that in mind, I will provide some definitions for you:

Adoption: A legal process in which all parental rights and responsibilities are transferred to an individual or couple who has agreed to assume. Adoption is permanent and grants a child full membership into the new family as if he were born into it. Adoption terminates all rights and responsibilities of the original parents.
Adoption Home Study: A process where a licensed agency or approved social worker screens a prospective adoptive family to assure their readiness and acceptability as adoptive parents.
Amended Birth Certificate: The birth certificate issued by the state to the adoptive parents that lists the adoptive parents as the adopted person's legal parents.
Confidential Adoption (a.k.a. Closed Adoption): An adoption where only non-identifying social and medical information is exchanged between parties to an adoption through the agency or intermediary. There is no direct, ongoing relationship between the birthparents and adoptive parents.
Consent to Adoption: The legal process in which a biological parent consents to the adoption of a child by another person or couple.
Direct Placement Adoption: An adoption where the biological parent(s) of a child place the child for adoption directly with an adoptive couple without an adoption agency. The term is also used by some agencies to describe the practice of placing an infant directly from the hospital with an adoptive family.
Finalization of Adoption: The legal process in which a judge approves an adoption of a child by specific parents. At finalization, adoptive parents become the parents of a child for all intents and purposes.
Fully Disclosed Adoption (a.k.a. Open Adoption): An adoption where identifying information has been exchanged between the birthparents and the adoptive parents and there is an agreement to establish a direct, on-going relationship, although the specific level of openess can vary among families.
The Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA): Legislation stipulating conditions under which Native Americans children may be adopted. ICWA assures tribal involvement in all adoptions of children with Native American heritage.
The Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC): An agreement binding every state to track the placement of children across state lines to assure that the laws of all states involved in the transfer of children are met so children are protected.
Kinship adoption: A legal prcoess in which the child is adopted by a relative, and usually involves a less stringent process to complete the adoption.
Legal Risk Adoption: The placement of a child in a prospective adoptive home before the legal rights of both biological parents are terminated. If the rights of both pareties are not terminated there is the risk that the prospective adoptive parent(s) will not be able to adopt the child.
Licensed Child Placing Agency: An agency licensed by the state to select parents and place children for the purpose of adoption.
Mutual Consent Registry: A process that allows the sharing of identifying information between pareties of an adoption after the consent is received by all parties to the adoption.
Putative Father: The man who is alleged to be the father of a child although he may or may not acknowledge paternity.
Safe Haven: Laws enacted in 50 states serving as an incentive for mothers in crisis to safely relinquish their newborn babies to a safe haven where the baby will be protected and provided with medical care until a permanent home can be found. These laws generally allow the parent, or an agent of the parent, to remain anonymous and to be shielded from prosecution for abandonment or neglect in exchange for safely surrendering the baby to a safe haven (there are safe havens set up throughout the states in places such as hospital emergency room entrances).
Termination of Parental Rights: The legal process in which a Court terminates the rights of a parent either voluntarily with the signing of a relinquishment or consent to adoption or involuntarily with a finding of unfitness, abandonment, etc.

Do you have any questions about these, or other adoption terms? Please email me and I will try to help.

The Adoption Process

2008-02-15T23:46:00.004-05:00

I think it is helpful to set forth the adoption process for birth mothers. While there are exceptions, here is the process for a "typical" domestic adoption:

"Am I pregnant?" asks the client.
If yes, she receives options counseling. Does she want to learn about adoption?
If yes, she may speak with an adoption agency, social worker or attorney to discuss adoption and make an adoption plan for her child.
The client receives additional counseling during the course of her pregnancy and makes a hospital plan setting forth her wishes in the hospital (e.g., does the client want hold the baby, does she want to stay on the maternity floor or move off the floor to another area).
The client is presented with information on potential adoptive families and makes her selection.
If the client and a potential adoptive family decide to move forward, they are matched.
Once the baby is born, the client must decide whether or not she wants to parent or move forward with the adoption plan.
If she chooses to continue with her adoption plan, the client relinquishes custody of the child and consents to the placement.
The client receives follow up counseling and her parental rights are terminated.

I hope this explanation of the adoption process is helpful.

Interesting Opinions on Adoption

2008-02-12T10:13:00.000-05:00

Here is some interesting information gathered in recent surveys:

According to the Harris Interactive Public Opinion Survey of Adoption Attitudes published by the NCFA in 2007:

29% (or 10 million married couples) would consider adopting a child if they had a realistic opportunity to do so
61% areed that the birth mother was "being a good mother" by choosing adoption, while 16% disagreed
51% saw adoption as a positive option for the child
50% saw adoption as the best option for the birth mother

From the Dave Thomas Foundation (Dave Thomas of Wendy's) in 2002:

4 in 10 Americans have considered adopting a child
63% of all Americans have a very favorable opinion of adoption
64% have experience with adoption in their own families or among close friends
78% believe that the United States should do more to promote adoption

Teenagers face unplanned pregnancies in at a high rate and often seek options counseling. Here are some interesting statistics in this regard:

Approximately one million teens become pregnant each year (of these, 51% will give birth, 35% will have an abortion, 14% will miscarry and less than 1% will choose adoption - Child Trends, 1995)
The number of teen pregnancies has declined in recent years (Guttmacher Institute, 2006)
78% of teen pregnancies are unplanned (Benson, 2004)
13% of all U.S. births are to teens
The U.S. has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the developed world (Guttmacher, 2006)
Adolescent pregancy places distinctive strains on adolescents and their families (Cochran, 2001)

Studies show that outcomes for pregnant teens and women who choose adoption. Compared with unmarried mothers who parent their children, unmarried teens who place their children for adoption also:

are more likely to finish school and obtain a higher level of education;
attain better employment, earning more than twice the per capita income and achieving greater financial stability;
are less likely to receive public assistance;
are less likely to experience another out-of-wedlock pregnancy;
are more likely to marry in the future - and when they due, often delay marriage until an older age; and
report a higher level of satisfaction with their decision for adoption.

(Donnelly and Voydanoff, 1996; Bachrach, 1992; Kalmuss, et. al., 1992; McLaughlin, Manninen, and Winges, 1988; Stolley, 1993).

In contrast, teens who choose to parent their children often face more challenges from social, financial and emotional perspectives:

Unmarried mothers who parent their children are more likely to repeat an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and are more likely to remain single and have children who experience out-of-wedlock pregnancy (GAO report, 1998);
Unmarried mothers who parent their children are more likely to have serious employment and financial problems (Children's Defense Fund); and
Only 20% of unmarried mothers receive child support from the child's father (Whitehead, 1993).

These findings were made available by the National Council for Adoption. What do you think of these findings?

Principles of Good Adoption Practice

2008-02-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

There are about 130,000 domestic adoptions within the United States per year. Of that figure, less than 23,000 of these adoptions are of unrelated infants under two years of age. On the flip side, it is estimated that at any given time there are more than two million couples interested in adopting. This imbalance has caused a change in the nature of adoption services, with adoptive couples competing for the few available infants. Competitiveness has unfortunately led to unprofessional and unethical practices by a handful of private attorneys, adoption agencies and adoption facilitators (note: facilitators who avoid state licensure by only advertising and "matching" birthparents to prospective adoptive parents for a fee are illegal in many states). Therefore, it is essential for any birthparent considering adoption to work with an adoption specialist who is ethical and professional, and protective of the birthparents rights.

The National Council For Adoption (NCFA) has published a report setting for minimal standards for individuals and agencies providing adoption services. A review of this report provides guidance not only adoption service providers as to what is expected of them, but also guidance for birthparents and adoptive parents as to what they should expect and demand of their adoption professional.

The NCFA lists responsibilities of adoption professionals to include the following:

The adoption professional must devote a substantial part of his/her professional practice or work in the area of adoption, maintain a current license, if applicable, and be in good standing in his or her profession.
The adoption professional must follow their professional code of ethics amd ensure compliance with all state and federal laws govering adoption.
Only counselors who are specifically trained and experienced in adoption-related services --including issues related to unplanned pregnancy, infertility and separation issues -- should provide counseling to the various members of the adoption circle.
The adoption professional must respect the needs and rights of their individual clients. This shall include providing birthparents with complete and accurate information about their options, and their wishes should be considered when making an adoption plan for a child. This shall also include considering the right of the child to belong to the best available adoptive family as the highest aim for any placement. Adoptive parents should also receive information that is accurate and complete, including any available medical history and the legal risks of placement.

The NCFA also discusses the importance of counseling for ALL parties in an adoption -- birthparents and prospective adoptive parents. Specifically, the report recommends:

Counseling should be made available to both the birthmother and birthfather whenever possible, to ensure they are comfortable with the decision to make and adoption plan and are provided with the necessary support.
Counseling should be made available to birthmothers during all stages of an adoption: before the birth and during and after the adoption placement.
Since a woman facing an unintended pregnancy often faces other issues, efforts should be made to help the birthmother address the other difficulties she faces.
Counseling of prospective adoptive parents during the adoption homestudy process should always be completed by a trained adoption expert whose goal is to ensure that the child would be placed in a safe, secure environment.
Counseling of prospective adoptive parents should always include an education that informs the parents of what they may expect from themselves as adoptive parents, as well as what to expect from their children, their extended family, their friends and acquantiances, and society at large. This education should also include a discussion of the legal process of adoption and an opportunity to meet with birthmothers who chose adoption in the past, parents who have adopted and adopted adults.

When talking with an adoption professional, birthparents and persons wishing to adopt should make certain that their professional will follow principles of good maternity services and adoption practices. Ultimately, the NCFA explains, this will ensure the rights of all parties to adoption and protect adoption as an important family building institution.

Are You up to the Task of Parenting?

2008-02-06T10:07:00.001-05:00

When counseling a potential birth mother about the adoption option, the National Council for Adoption suggests a wonderful activity of having her fill out a "Job Description for Parents." The goal is to help the birth mother determine whether or not she is up to the task. I find this activity helpful and will list the questions asked for birth mothers to consider, and responses.

First, the birth mother should answer the following questions:

Job Description for Parents

Responsibilities:
Time requirements:
Qualifications include:
Benefits:
Compensation:

Now, here are some responses for a birth mother to consider when deciding whether or not she is up to the task of parenting.

Responsibilities:
Daily physical care of the child. This care may change at various stages. At all ages this care will include providing:

Well-balanced, nutritional meals and assurance that the child eats sufficiently to meet his/her growth needs.
Clothing and footware appropriate for the season and occasion.
Shelter that is safe and comfortable.
Medical care: preventative with annual check-ups and immunizations; responsive when the child is sick.
Assurance that the child is receiving sufficient sleep to remain healthy and responsive.
Toileting issues in infancy an toddlerhood. (Frequent, responsive diapering until the child is toilet trained. Assistance and support until toilet training is mastered).
Nurturing responsibilities including encouragement, comforting, consistency, establishment of a sense of security, dependability, playing, counseling and loving.
Discipline issues include understanding and setting appropriate limits of age, consistency of expectations and responses, self-management of anger, being a good example.
Education issues include providing a traditional education through a school or in the home. Non-academic education includes teaching independent life skills (dressing, hygiene, decision-making, social skills, physical fitness and sports, manners and responsibility) that are appropriate for each age.
Moral guidance includes teaching right from wrong and enforcing rules. Monitoring child's activities to assure they are appropriate, including previewing and at times censoring reading material, television, computer games, movies and friends. Providing clear and consisitent limits for behavior that are age appropriate and that respond to the individual child's maturity level.
Spiritual guidance includes instilling in the child a sense of hope and well-being.
Other responsibilities include: chaffeur, social director, scheduler, advocate and manager.

Time Requirements:

24 hours a day, seven days a week until the child can make it on his/her own
No vacation time
No sick leave
Time off only when suitable substitute has been found

Qualifications include:

Sense of humor
High self-esteem
Selflessness
Emotional maturity
Financial security
Dependable support system
Energetic, trust in judgment
General understanding of the needs of children
Diplomatic
Consistent
Dependable
Loving
Able to make an 18+ year commitment

Benefits:

Unconditional love of a child
The knowledge that you are guiding a child to become a healthy, happy, productive memeber of society

Compensation:

Love
Satisfaction of a job well-done

Do you feel that you fit the job description to parent? Feel free to email me your thoughts.
If you are questioning your ability to parent, you should speak with an adoption counselor and discuss your options. At Alliance for Children, counselors are available 24/7 to speak with you. Please call them at 877-40-ADOPT. To learn more about Alliance, check out the website at www.allforchildren.org.

Private Adoption vs. Adoption Agency

2008-02-05T16:35:00.001-05:00

There are two ways to go about placing a child for adoption: through a private/independent adoption or a licensed adoption agency. What is the difference? No matter what type of adoption you select, it is a legal proceeding and an attorney's services will be needed. However, the difference is in the other services provided to you during your pregnancy (or lack of services).

If the adoption is handled thought a minister, lawyer, counselor, a doctor or friend -- anyone who is helping you but is not licensed by the state authorities as an adoption specialist -- it is considered a private or independent adoption. This typically happens when a family hires a private attorney, and the family and attorney then go in search of a birth mother with a baby for adoption. They may advertise in the newspaper, the internet, or they may even contact doctors, hospital social workers and ministers. In other words, they outreach to find a birth mother interested in adoption. You in turn see their ad or hear about them. Then you call the family or their attorney.

When arranging your adoption through a licensed adoption agency, you are helped by adoption specialists licensed to help pregnant women make an adoption plan. With an agency, you may receive assistance from a birth mother counselor 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week. The agency will help you obtain medical coverage, coordinate prenatal and post natal care, and provide you with information about prospective adoptive families who have been thoroughly screened (with police and FBI clearances and approved home studies by licensed social workers). The agency will provide you with counseling before and after birth, if needed. And the agency can provide you with expense assistance during your pregnancy as approved by the court (typically living expenses, utilities, food and maternity clothing).

Services to expect when working with an adoption agency:

24-hour phone support
a personalized adoption plan
choice of adoptive parents
screening of adoptive parents
financial support, as approved based on state law (state laws differ)
medical care
in-person counseling

Whatever route you select, please be certain to carefully consider your options. Look for assistance from a specialist who is supportive and respectful. You should not feel pressured or judged. In the end, it is best for you to feel that you made the best decision for you and your baby.
If you are considering adoption, you may want to call an adoption specialist at Alliance for Children (1-877-40-ADOPT). Alliance is a non-profit agency specializing in domestic adoption throughout the United States. They have adoption counselors on call 24/7.

Adoption Stats

2008-02-04T21:48:00.000-05:00

Adoption is deeply ingrained in the fabric of today's modern family. Here are some interesting stats:

Did you know that about 1/3 of all Americans are touched by adoption within their immediate families?
Did you know that each year, there are approximately 127,000 children who are adopted through private adoption, foster care, stepparent adoption and international adoption?

While adoption today is transforming our country into a multicultural and multiethnic society, adoption is still misunderstood and often surrounded by myths and stereotypes. Adoption makes for good drama and gossip and is inadvertently covered with negativity by the news or entertainment media, further perpetuating these myths and stereotypes.

How do we change this? It is time that people understand the adoption process, use more accurate language (please look at my blog on accurate adoption language) and approach adoption from a more balanced perspective.

What are your thoughts and feelings on adoption?

Questions to Ask Yourself if you are Pregnant

2008-01-31T15:31:00.002-05:00

There are many relevant questions to think about when considering an adoption plan. Here are some of those questions:

What do I want out of my life for myself?
Can I handle a child and a job and/or school at the same time?
Have I managed school and/or job and other activities well in the past?
Am I ready to give up the freedom to do what I want to do when I want to do it?
An example of something I would have to give up by having a child with me is ...
Am I willing to cut back on my social life and stay home while my friends go out?
Would I miss my free time and privacy?
Can I afford to support a child?
Do I want to raise my child in the neighborhood I am living in now?
How might a child interfere with my growth and personal development?
How would parenting a child change my educational plan?
Am I willing to give a great part of my life -- AT LEAST 18 YEARS -- to be a responsible parent?
Do I like doing things with children?
Do I want my child to be like me?
Do I expect a child to make my life happy?
When I am around small children for a while, how do I feel after being around them?
Am I able to give the child the love he/she needs/deserves?
Am I patient enough to deal with the noise, confusion, and the 24-hour-a-day responsibility of having a child?
What kind of time and space do I need for myself?
What do I do now when I am angry or upset?
What would I do to a child if I lost my temper or became angry?
What does good discipline mean to me?
How would I discipline a toddler?
Do I get along with my family?
How would I take care of my child's health and safety?

Printed from the National Council For Adoption's Consider The Possibilities Workbook, as excerpted in part from "Is Parenting for Me Now?," published by Loving and Caring, Inc.

If you would like to speak with an adoption counselor about these and other questions, contact Nancy at Alliance for Children at 1-877-402-3678 (1-877-40-ADOPT). You can also click here to fill out an online request for a free Adoption Information Kit.

Accurate Adoption Language

2008-01-30T10:35:00.000-05:00

Our neighborhoods are comprised of many types of families, including adoptive and foster families. Using accurate language embraces all these families. The National Council for Adoption provides a list of positive language, which is emotionally accurate and accepting of all parties to an adoption.

Less Appropriate vs. Appropriate Language
real parent, natural parent vs. birth parent
own child, real child, natural child vs. birth child
Adopted child, own child vs. my child
adoptee vs. person/individual who was adopted
illegitimate vs. born to unmarried parents
give-up vs. terminate parental rights
give away, place for adoption vs. make an adoption plan, choose adoption
to keep vs. to parent
adoptable child, available child vs. child in need of a family
adoptive parent vs. parent
an unwanted child vs. child in need of adoption
child taken away vs. court termination
handicapped child, hard to place vs. child who has special needs
is adopted vs. was adopted
giving away your child vs. choosing an adoption plan
putting your child up for adoption vs. finding a family to parent your child
keeping your baby vs. deciding to parent the child

These phrases included in the positive language column help to instill confidence and courage in everyone involved with an adoption.

A Talk with Two Birth Moms

2008-01-29T20:19:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I spoke as a panelist (as an adult adoptee) at a conference for pre-adoptive parents. On the panel with me were two birth mothers. We all shared our adoption experiences.

The two birth mothers had different stories to tell, one was a 20-something-year-old single, graphic design student who was in debt, and working two jobs. The other birth mother was single, in her early twenties, already had two children and thought that she was ill equipped to raise a third child on her own.

Today, these birth moms remain in touch with the adoptive families. One birth mother arranged for an open adoption from the start, and visited the child annually. The other birth mother arranged for photographs and letters to be exchanged through the adoption agency with whom she worked. The adoptive parents and the birth mom developed a friendship over time, and they all agreed to open their relationship.

While these are open adoption arrangements, many other adoption arrangements are semi-open, where the parties to an adoption only exchange non-identifying information (such as first names only, medical and social background information and so forth) . And then there are other adoptions that are completely closed, where no information is shared at all.

From speaking with these ladies I was left with the same impression: their decisions to make adoption plans was done out of love for their children, for they believed this to be in the children's best interests.

Today's Birth Mother

2008-01-28T09:07:00.001-05:00

Often misunderstood, a woman who makes an adoption plan for her baby is usually depicted heartless and cold. On the contrary, this birth mother is usually a thoughtful, caring woman who makes a difficult decision she believes to be in the best interests of her child. In this blog, I hope to cast new light on today's birth mother by discussing her reasons for choosing adoption.

Approximately 14,000 women choose adoption for their newborn infants in the United States each year (figure taken from Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Instititute, "Safeguarding the Rights and Well-Being of Birth Parents in the Adoption Process," Jan. 2007, p. 4). If asked to describe a "typical" birth mother, many people would picture a teenager facing an unplanned pregnancy with her high school sweetheart. While this may be true in some cases, it is now estimated that only 1/4 of all birth mothers are teens.

A birth mother is often a single woman in her 20s who is recently independent from her parents, or a single woman who already has children and does not believe she can parent another child. In most cases, her pregnancy is unplanned.

Why does a birth mother choose adoption? A birth mother typically chooses adoption because she believes it to be in the best interests of her child. In a recent adoption, I worked with a 43-year-old college graduate who mistook the signs of pregnancy to be signs of early menopause. She had already raised a child (now in his twenties) and was not prepared to parent again.

I have worked with a 20-year-old mother of two, married, who already had a child who was legally blind and required much assistance. She and her husband did not think they were equipped to provide this third child with all the love and attention he deserved and made an adoption plan.

In another adoption, an 18-year-old birth mother wanted to obtain a college education before starting a family.

I have worked with a financially strapped school bus driver who was raising two children on her own. And I have worked with a birth mother who made an adoption plan after her husband was imprisoned. She was already raising two children and didn't think she could handle raising a third.

While the circumstances of each adoption differs, in each case the birth mother made a thoughtful decision that adoption was the best option for her child.

In most cases, the birth mother's decision is difficult. There are tears shed and emotional goodbyes. Some birth mothers plan to stay connected with their children through photographs and letters. Some choose more involvement, while others choose less.

Most birth mothers experience a great feeling of loss after the adoption. However, many birth mothers find this diminishes over time when accompanied by a sense that the right decision has been made.

A birth mother facing an unplanned pregnancy has many decisions to make, including whether to parent her child or make an adoption plan. Her decision to make an adoption plan should not be frowned upon or viewed as heartless and cold. In actuality, this decision is often made with great difficulty, consideration and courage.

If you know someone considering adoption, birth parent counseling is the first step. Contact the birth parent hotline at Alliance for Children for assistance: 1-877-40-ADOPT.

Choices

2008-01-25T17:22:00.001-05:00

During an adoption option training, I went into a local restaurant where I read a poem entitled "Choices." This poem is symbolic to me of the choices we make, sometimes difficult and sometimes not, that are all part of the human experience. The adoption choice, like other choices, is often made after much consideration and with great difficulty. That being said, it is a life experience shared by many women on their life journeys.

The poem reads as follows:

Choices

We are given a finite amount of minutes in

our lives

What we do with them is our choice

Choices,

Sometimes hard to make

Change, scary

But the paths of our life

The roads taken, the ladders climbed

Determine the destination

Author: Diana Ferguson

What are your thoughts on this poem?

Do you need assistance to explore adoption? Contact Alliance for Children, a birth parent counselor is available to help: 1-877-40-ADOPT or srosen@allforchildren.org.

Pregnant? Need Help? Considering Adoption?

2008-01-24T16:30:00.000-05:00

Hi and welcome to "The Adoption Choice" blog! In this blog, we are going to discuss the adoption option -- in effort to help women and teens facing unplanned pregnancy. Domestic adoption today is much different than in the past, so let's talk about adoption today.

There are Three Types of Adoption: Open, Semi-Open and Closed

Today, a pregnant woman considering adoption (a "birth mother") may choose from three types of adoption: semi-open, open and closed.

Semi-open Adoption

Many birth parents and adoptive parents agree on a semi-open adoption, whereby they share non-identifying information with one another. For example, a birth mother may provide information about her medical history, her heritage and general background. Similarly, adoptive parents may share information about their health, work and lifestyle. However, neither the birth parents nor the adoptive parents share identifying information -- such as last names or places of residence -- in a semi-open adoption.

Open Adoption

There are certainly degrees of openness in adoption, for not all adoption arrangements are the same. Typically, in an open adoption birth parents share identifying information with the adoptive parents, and vice versa. The birth parent(s) may remain involved in the child's life, attending birthday parties and holiday celebrations, etc....

Closed Adoption

In a closed adoption, no information (neither non-identifying nor identifying) is exchanged between the birth and adoptive parents.

A Birth Mother May Choose the Type of Adoption

In deciding on the type of adoption, there is no right or wrong. A birth mother should not feel pressured in making the decision of whether to proceed with an open, semi-open or closed adoption. She should make this decision based on what is best for her and her child.

A Birth Mother May Choose a Family

How wonderful it is that a birth mother may choose an adoptive family for her child. Unlike in the past, today a birth mother may choose from a number of families and select the family with whom she feels most comfortable. Adoptive families create "profiles" which are similar to resumes. In the profile, an adoptive family will essentially paint a picture of their life. They will tell a birth mother about their lifestyle, interests, and values. They will include photos of themselves, their home, their extended families. This provides the birth mother a glimpse into the life in which her child would be raised. [Note: many singles also look to adopt. So the term "adoptive family" would apply to singles and couples.]

If desired, a one-on-one meeting can be arranged between birth parents and prospective adoptive parents either in person or on the telephone. Depending on the type of adoption arrangement, certain information may or may not be shared during such a meeting. For example, in a semi-open adoption you would not disclose idenfying information such as your last name at the meeting.

Choosing a family herself, and if possible meeting the prospective adoptive family, is often comforting to a birth mother. Knowing that her child will be raised in a home of love and stability will help her during the adoption process.

In conclusion, pregnant teens and women facing unintended pregnancy have several options: to parent, to terminate (if available), and not to parent (adoption). In considering adoption, keep in mind that there are different types of adoption (semi-open, open and closed) and that the birth mother can select the adoptive family with whom she is most comfotable.

Important Tips:

If you think that adoption would be in the best interest of your child, working with a licensed, non-profit adoption agency is a good move.

An adoption agency will explain the adoption process to you and the different types of adoption.
An adoption agency will present you with profiles of couples looking to adopt, and arrange for any meetings (if you want to meet).
An adoption agency also assists in other important ways, e.g., providing birth parent counseling 24/7 and assistance in signing up for medicaid (where necessary).
A birth parent counselor at an adoption agency will hold your hand through the entire adoption process.

If you are considering an adoption agency, check out http://www.adoptionhouse.org/. They are a non-profit adoption agency working with birth mothers nationwide. They can help!